Friday, February 28, 2014

What do you want?

I always complain about being a SAHM. I always do. When I hear about a friend's promotion or whenever I hear how they're doing really well in the corporate world, I would feel really jealous and envious. Not only that, it will make me want to go out and work too.

Grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. Remember that.

Whenever I see someone spending their hard earned salary, I wish I could do that too. I do spend, but I always feel like it is not my money. Almost like I feel guilty for spending or always feel like I have to justify myself and couldn't just enjoy it.

It doesn't help that everything is so darn expensive these days too!

One day, I was talking to hubs about going back to work. He's always had issues with me working (in the corporate world) because he is not too comfortable with me socializing too much. That's part of my job. I have to attend meetings and whatnot. Can't runaway from that. After we had our first, he asked me to resign and focus on looking after the kids.

When I told him that I got a job offer, I was expecting him to say no but to my surprise, he said ok. Might not be such a bad idea for me to work he said, especially if they pay is good. Times are hard and I may need to go back to work.

What?????!!! Is this really my husband talking???

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. One part of me was happy and excited but another part of me was confused. Like for real? Me working?

Then it got me thinking seriously about returning to work.

All sorts of stuff went through my head. When I told my best friend about it, she said go for it. This is my chance to go out there and make something for myself. When I told my mum, she actually said "alhamdulillah, Allah answered my prayers".

Huh? She was secretly praying for Allah to open my husband's heart to let me go out and work? For real? But why?

I was really confused.

The thought of going back to work suddenly is not so interesting anymore.
- office politics. Ass kissing again. Oh no!!!
- datelines to meet.
- waking up early to leave my kids only to be in traffic for hours? Oh no!

No! I don't want all that!
I don't want to leave my kids with the maid. No way. I'm not saying I'm a good mum or I've been one, but at least I'm there to monitor my own kids. No one can do it better than me. I'm their mother.

Then I got a bit depressed.

What do you want, Z? Seriously. Why can't you just be happy with what you have? When your husband said not to work, you are sad because you want to work. Now he said go and work if you want, why are you sad?

Honestly speaking, I don't know what I want.

I want to be able to have my own money but I don't want to go out and work. Does that make sense?
I need to make money by being my own boss and doing it while I'm home with my kids.

Can you do that? Trust me, I've tried that and it is not easy. I haven't been working since new year. I've been doing a little bit of work here and there but I must say I'm not putting in as much effort as I should so everything is going really slow..almost not moving. It's frustrating because I have so much on my plate and time is going so fast everyday that I don't have time to do any work.

My mornings are filled with "homeschooling" my daughter. Well, I shouldn't call it that because it is more play than anything. It's not even that serious but I try to get her to do some stuff with me in the mornings. Then come lunch, after lunch we nap and then by the time we get up it is almost evening and time to get dinner ready.

Excuses. Excuses. Excuses.


Tough! Life is tough.

I just want to be great. I'm not there yet. Not even near. I need to work on that.

I just want to be great.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I'm getting fat

I love food. When my cousins, aunts, uncles and the whole gang gets together, it is always food that we talk about and think about. Half of us are fat and fortunately, I'm not there yet but seriously, all my cousins are fat (and cute!) except for one skinny cousin but eats more than the other fatsos.

Since our kitchen is ready, we (my maid and I) have been really adventurous. We cook stuff we normally didn't and we bake even more too. I'm not very good at baking. I don't have the patience to do it and I need to be alone to bake. When I'm with my kids, I get the recipe and ingredients mixed up and it all becomes a big mess so I try to stay away from baking as much as possible.

My maid is pretty good with baking and desserts. She does a lot of those yummy stuff that we don't even know what it is called.

Last week, every time I wake up from my nap, I can smell something is baking in the kitchen. Everyday it is something! My daughter is happy because she gets to blow the candle and pretend it is her birthday. That's her favorite thing to do in the whole world.

This is a chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting. It is really yummy!

This is some kind of cheese cake. I think it is the kind that doesn't require any baking. Nonetheless, it is pretty yummy. But too soft.

This is a chocolate cheese cake.

This is cheesecake I think. Taste a bit like custards. Too sweet for my liking but still I ate more than I should.

This is a giant chocolate chip cookie. If it was a little bit sweeter, would have been nicer but kids loved it.

See? All this last week. I'm seriously getting fat! All the baking is done by my maid. I've only baked once and that was it. Baking is just not me!

I'm more into cooking but lately I've been obsessed with roasted, grilled chicken. Thanks to Jamie Oliver!

Tried making salmon too and turned out nice. This was our Valentines Day dinner actually.

This is roasted chicken rice that I made. It was to die for!

We've been eating a lot lately. I seriously need to ask my maid to stop baking or else I'm going to balloon up so much soon!

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Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Activities at home

I have no problems with my kids being on their iPad. For one, keeps them quiet and sometimes, that's all I want in the house. I make sure that they watch good videos on their iPad and I monitor their usage. I'm always next to them so whenever they accidentally go to a video I don't approve of, I'm there to get them back on the right 'track'. I teach them a lot using iPads too especially songs and some surah from the Quran. Nothing teaches my daughter better than seeing a video of another kid reciting the same thing so I use the iPad as a tool to teach stuff to her too.

She's not in any school at the moment. We are moving again end of this year so I figured it will be a good idea to "homeschool" her till we are settled in the new place instead of changing school every now and then. Let me tell you, this move is not something I'm happy about but being the supportive wife that I am, whatever my husband say goes. That's just how this household works.

Anyway, I noticed that my kids are becoming more and more attached to their iPads. While I'm totally fine having iPads around, I don't want them to be on it 24/7 as there are other things they should also do. Fortunately (or unfortunately) my kids are not into tv so much. They only watch a bit of Telly before bedtime and that's about it. They don't watch tv at all during the day.

I decided to get some activity books for my daughter. I went to Popular bookstore and bought all the books I think is suitable for her age. She can't hold a pen properly yet but she can read a little bit already so my aim is to get her to start writing or start colouring and practice holding the pen the right way. I'm worried that by next year,she will be left behind in class because she is not attending any school this year.

First day attempting the activity book was a challenge. She didn't ask for the iPad but it was boring to her to sit and hold a pen. I got frustrated too because she just wouldn't listen to my instruction. Colouring isn't her thing at all as she doesn't seem a little bit interested in it at all. Unlike me, I'm into artsy stuff but looks like she doesn't. It is ok, my objective is to encourage her to do things she likes to do instead of forcing her to do something I like to do.

After a few days of doing activity book, she got the hang of it. Although she didn't like the colouring bit of the activity book, she still did it. Needed a lot of push but she still did it.

To encourage her to write, I started doing worksheets for her. I find that they work better because the size of the page is bigger and it gives her more freedom to scribble. She gets excited too when I give her a star! Sometimes she asks for 5 stars and sometimes she asks for 2. It doesn't mean anything so I reward her with whatever amount of stars she ask for.

I'm not a teacher and I obviously have no experience or knowledge in teaching. I don't know what is the best way to teach and I don't know what she should or shouldn't learn at this age. I just go with the flow.

Sometimes we do baking. I absolutely hate baking because it is so messy and when I bake, I just want it to be done quickly. With my daughter in the kitchen and insisting to help, it makes my job twice as hard. But at least it is something we can do together. We have "birthday parties"and cake cutting ceremony almost daily! The kids love it!

Living in a landed property also gives the kids room to play outside. They love it so much.
They run in the garden, play in their little pool, play with their hamsters (eww) and even spy at our neighbours! It's just a lot of fun for them to be outdoors.

I hope I'm doing enough. I'm doing my best. It is not easy and there's a lot of pressure too being a SAHM to do things with the kids. It's not enough being at home with the kids. You need to make sure you fill their time with activities too because if you are at home and not doing anything with them, they are better off in a nursery and doing things in school with other kids. It's a lot of work!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, February 21, 2014

The Tai-Tai

According to Wikipedia, a tai tai is a term used to describe a wealthy married woman who does not work. A term often used to describe me.

Wealthy? No

Married? Yes

Does not work? Yes

2/3 is correct to describe me but a tai tai is ALL of the above and not just 2/3 or 1/3. It just wont fit the description.

A lot of people think that I have this fabulous lifestyle with maids doing everything for me. Driver sending me to wherever I want to go. Kids taken care of and I have nothing else to do but go out for luncheon, drinks with friends, spa every few days and go for holidays every weekend. But in reality, I don't do all that. It is not even close.

There's this friend of mine, each time we speak on the phone and whenever I complain about life would always say how envious she is of my life. Often I wonder why. It is not THAT great, honestly.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life. This is as good as it gets. Do I wish I lead a different life? Yes, sometimes I do. Am I thankful that I lead this life? Of course I do. But, sometimes, just like anyone else in this world, I have my bad days. I have days when I'm like "Oh my God, why is my life so difficult?!" I do have days when I think that grass is greener on the other side. And like everyone else, I get my feet on the ground again and snap out of whatever negative feeling I was having.

I get really annoyed when people assume I lead this amazing life because life is tough for me!

Like it or not, it is still tough!

Alhamdulillah, I have a helper to help me out at home. My maid is an amazing help. But that does not mean I don't lift a finger and do anything at home.

On the outside, everyone thinks I'm a tai-tai...but in reality, this is my life....

I prepare food for my family. Which means I cook for them. Sometimes I let my maid help me out but often she will be looking after the kids while I am in the kitchen. I don't like to be disturbed when I'm cooking. Most of the time when I'm making dinner, the kids will be outside playing. I prefer it like that.

I also look after my kids all day which means I change them, I shower them, I cut their nails and my daughter's hair, I sit down and do worksheets with my daughter, watch them while they're on their iPad, watch tv with them and all the rest of it. Of course, my maid help whenever she can but she's mainly busy doing the other housework like laundry and cleaning up and washing dishes and whatnot. I don't do housework but if the table is messy, I won't just wait and look for her to clean it up. I will clean it up myself!

The only time when I'm alone in the house is when I shower and when I perform my prayers. That's when my kids will be under my maid's supervision. Oh, also when I cook.

At night, I wake up about 3-4 times a night and prepare milk for my son who will only go back to sleep after he's had his milk.

Another thing people don't understand is that I never leave my children without either myself or my husband around. We've never had alone time. We've never gone out without the kids. We've never left the kids at home with just my maid. We've never left the kids with their grandparents or uncles and aunts. It's just not something we do and hence, we can't go anywhere without them. If I need to go out, hubby needs to be with the kids. That's just how we roll. We don't know how to do it differently as we are comfortable with this arrangement. Yes sure it is sometimes very troublesome and at times it can be annoying but that's just how it is. People don't get why I can't meet up for coffee or go out window shopping. It's not that I can't, I can but I got to bring my kids along.

So really it is not a tai-tai life at all. It is far from it. But alhamdullilah I'm ok. Life is good but not perfect.

My ultimate dream is to be a tai-tai. Someday.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Declutter your life

I moved out from my mum's house the minute I got married. I don't remember packing beforehand or clearing stuff out or anything. I just took my clothes bit by bit and basically just left everything else behind. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't like I couldn't wait to get out of the house or anything like that. It was quite sad leaving my mum's house and I was crying for days after I moved out. It was a beginning of an era!

I left a lot of things behind. A LOT. Apart from the newer clothes, everything else I have is at my mum's house. That includes A LOT of photos. Photos from my childhood, to school days, uni days, UK days and photos of all sorts of things including photos of ex boyfriends. Yes, those too! Not just that, I also left all sorts of letters, cards, gifts given to me all my life. I left my books, my cds and everything else you could think of.

It's been almost 5 years since I left my mum's house and all those stuff are still there.

Yesterday I received a text from my mum asking me if she could throw some of the things away. I know for sure I don't need any of them anymore because I haven't looked for it all this while but it got me thinking about my past. I really don't mind her clearing or throwing stuff away but I feel a bit...ummppp...sad that I will no longer have that piece of me. I said yes for her to throw everything away EXCEPT for photos. She then replied asking what about photos of your ex boyfriends? LOL

Here's the thing....
I had a colourful time growing up. I wasn't a slut or anything like that but I've dated quite a few people back in my days. I don't change boyfriends like I change my underwear if that's what you're thinking...but I've had really good relationships in the past. All my ex boyfriends were nice people and treated me with respect and I wouldn't change a thing about anything. My husband is a little bit old school. He is nothing like anyone I ever dated, which is really odd because if all my exs have something in common, it will be that there are all the same "type". My husband does not fall into that "type". Funny how Allah works. He gave me my jodoh totally different from what I always thought I wanted and was looking for.

A few years before we got married, or pretty much all along in our relationship, my boyfriend (my now husband) has always been the jealous, possessive type. One thing we always fight about is how insecure he is and how he doesn't like me talking to other men and he especially hate it when I mention my ex. It is like a big NO NO. He doesn't like it and he was not having it. Me, being the nice girlfriend that I was, and being someone who hates fighting for stupid reasons just did what he wanted me to do. If he doesn't like me talking to men - fine, I wont talk to me. If he doesn't like me talking about the past - fine, don't talk about the past. If he doesn't want me to be friends with my ex - fine, don't have to be friends with the ex. To me, I needed to do whatever I had to do to make my relationship work. That is sacrifice. It's not easy but I had to do it. Some might disagree. "Why are you doing things to make him happy?" "Why cant you fight for what you believe" "why must you follow everything he wants you to do?" and to me, it's just simple. I love my relationship with him and I will do whatever it takes to be with him. The reasons behind why he wants me to do what he wanted me to do and why he doesn't like me doing something are all valid and acceptable to me. I could relate to why he doesn't like things and although I don't mind so much and pretty open minded about most things (like him hanging out with girls or him contacting his ex gf) but I guess I would feel more at ease if he doesn't. It then became a mutual thing. I cant hang out with my ex if you don't hang out with your ex. I slowly became protective and possessive myself.

I remember throwing away photos of myself and my ex before I got married. Why would I want to keep those photos anyway, right? I decided to chuck everything away. I thought I did. Apparently mum found more that is still lying down somewhere in her house. I told her to throw all photos of ex boyfriends away.

Life is different now. I am no longer the person I was before. Whether or not I'm happier now, or not is not really important. What is important is, I get rid of all the things that will cause tension and make my husband unhappy. I have too many on my plate now and the last thing I want to do, is to fight over an ex boyfriend's photo.Not worth the fight and not worth my time.

I wish things are a bit different. I mean, I cant have it all (or can I?).
I have a wonderful husband who loves me and a good provider, a good father. I don't have to worry about him going out or speaking to an ex gf because he doesn't. He works hard and is home to be with the kids (and me) immediately after work. For now, Alhamdulillah, that's how it is and that's how he is. I pray that he will always be this way and I pray that Allah will protect us from people who want to see us fall.

Marriage is not easy. Marriage needs a lot of work. I don't know what and how other people's marriage are and their relationship but mine is pretty straight forward. I have good days and bad days. But no matter how bad it gets, I know I married the right man. I did. I hate him sometimes for being so strict and old school about everything but it is for our own good. I think I'm too out of control if I were to be with a laid back kinda guy.

Alhamdullillah. Allah knows best. If you can end up with the one "type" of person you never thought you can be with...then He knows what He is doing!

I say...Throw everything. Make space for new memories!!!

Saturday, February 8, 2014

People on the cyberspace

Our generation now spend so much time online. There's Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and God knows what else is out there. We spend less time socializing but we know every gossip there is about people. Almost as if it not necessary to be out to be "in". You know what I mean?

For SAHMs like me, this is good. I still know what everyone else is up to without having to go out. It is quite funny when you think about it.

Last night I was thinking about the many different types of people that you get to see online. I've got my list. Some are funny, some are crazy and some are just plain annoying! Let's see which category you fit in...

1. The holier-than-thou
This type of people annoy me the most. They are not afraid to tell people (friends they are not close with and celebrities they follow) how they are doing it wrong. They often see and look at the negative side of everything and they think they are so great. Would be nice if someone could show them the same treatment. Best way to address and respond to this type is to ignore them.

2. The protective type
This people get so protective over their favourite celebrity and friends. As much as it is good that they want to protect their loved ones, they sometimes sound so dumb. Sometimes they celebrity or friend that they are protecting don't even care about the comment and this protective "guardian angel" pulak yang over! Funny and sometimes annoying.

3. The poyos
These are the ones who aims to let people see them as someone cool.
Most of them have no life but love taking pictures to show that they are happening. Hang out with all the happening people and do happening things. Often they dress to kill. Head to toe in the latest trend and to me, most of them are fashion victims because I just don't get their style. (I'm not one to speak about fashion because I have no fashion sense..!)

4. The rich & famous
People know they are rich. They know they are rich. Often like to portray themselves being down-to-earth but in every "down-to-earth" posts, there is a hidden agenda. This I find absolutely funny because there's really no need to tell people you are rich. Everyone knows! But still, they keep rubbing it in and expect people to think they are not showing off. Kesian.

5. The selfie kings and queens
Yes everyone is guilty for taking selfies. I do that too but I'm not so into myself that much to post my own pics all the time. I take selfies for my own personal use. If I think I look hot, snap a selfie... But to take selfie every single day and post it on Instagram is really... Hmmm perasan cun to me. Girls do it, I still get.. But when men do it - especially a little too much.. It's so, umm... Gay! Sorry! Poyo too actually!

6. The spammers
Omg! This one is super annoying. They spam everyone famous's IG like nobody's business. "You look nice. I love your music. Want fake lashes, please visit my IG" like omg... Please!!!! Stop spamming!!

7. The proud parents
Their posts whether it is on IG, fb or twitter is all about their children. Almost like they have no life other than their children. Every little thing their child does, they will post on IG. This is me. My IG is filled with photos of my kids. Often people in this category thinks that their kids are the best. Even when their kids look ugly, they will post of IG and expect people to say the kids look cute. These are bias parents so excuse them. Excuse me. They're not annoying but no one wants to look at your kids photos all the time and there are other kids out there who are way cuter and smarter and whatnot. #notetoself

8. The silent observer aka stalker
They are there. They see your posts but you don't hear anything from them. No likes, no comments, no messages but they're looking at you all the time. Spying at your every move. They talk about you like they know you. Or if this is you... You talk about someone you follow on the social media like you already know them inside out. It's nice to leave a comment once in a while to know who is seeing and watching and reading your crap so stalkers out there.. Say do hello once in a while! LOL

9. The hashtag addict
In one post, one photo you will see a long list of hashtags. Sometimes you don't understand what is the purpose of putting so many hashtags! They hashtags every single damn thing. Even their own name. LOL.

10. The shy cat
They post so many photos of every single damn thing around them except their own photo/their face.
When I see this, I'm thinking... Ok you must be really
a. Insecure
b. want to remain anonymous
c. Dodgy

Why dodgy? Because you are hiding and want to remain anonymous to say nasty things to people online without them knowing who you are.

So you see.. I've listed down 10 types and trust me, there's more. I just couldn't think of anymore right now.

Moral of the post is, be careful what you put out there online because you don't know what you are putting yourself into. You don't know who is watching and sometimes, it could even be your enemy!

Also, only leave positive comments because negative ones won't do anyone any favours! If you don't like someone or don't like what they are posting, by all means... Stop looking.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone