Friday, March 2, 2018

Two eyes watching

I was having breakfast in La Bodega when I read the article by Vivy Yusof, Plan V: The Burden of mum guilt.   I knew I couldn't totally relate because I'm not a working mum but like Vivy, I am also pro-work because I too believe that we all need to be financially independent. Not just that, I believe that in order to find happiness, you need to find something that excites you outside your role as a mum and a wife. Also, like the article said, you need to be the kind of mum you want your kids to see. That hits me at a spot. Sometimes, we forget that.

I started thinking about that. What kind of mum do I want my kids to see and what kind of mum do I want my daughter to be someday? What kind of wife I want my son to have? I need to show him that in me.

Growing up, my mum was always working. She needed to do that to support all 3 of her children. As you know, my dad was out of the picture since I was 12 years old. Divorce was not so common back then and they didnt just get a divorce, he left without supporting us in any way. Financially, zero support. As a mum, she wanted the best for her kids. We worked really hard. Day and night to provide the best for us and we did get the best. We grew up living a very comfortable life. We went to private schools, we had a driver to send us to school and pick us up, we all studied in UK and alhamdulillah we all graduated and that made her so proud. All her hardwork was all worthwhile. I see my mum struggling A LOT. She never slept. While we were all sleeping soundly, she made sure the home was a home. We never had a maid because she didnt believe in one. She could do the cleaning herself and trust me, our home was way cleaner than some houses with maids. My mum was THAT good.

I am the total opposite of my mum.

I wish I can be strong like her but I'm not. I wish I can be as domesticated as her but I am the worst when it comes to that. Thankfully, I have a maid! Otherwise, I think my house will be in a mess all the time.

For me, I want my kids to see and have the kind of mum they will be proud of. I am super proud of my mum. She doesn't need to have anything but in my eyes, she is the strongest woman I've ever known. She survived life being a single mum without any support from her ex husband and that is not easy.
I want my kids to be proud of me too. And to do that, I need to be proud of myself first. I believe that in order to do that, I need to love myself even more. I need to show them that you can achieve anything you want in life if you put your mind to it.

I need to constantly remind myself that I have little eyes watching me. I've done a good job so far (I think) but I feel that I can do more, a lot more. InsyaAllah. I can and I will.

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