Tuesday, May 15, 2018

I'm heartbroken

Exactly a week ago on election day, my mum dropped me a bomb. She told me she felt a lump on her right breast. My heart broke into pieces. I felt like I knew what was coming. Determined to stay strong, I told her to get checked and I went into denial mode. I pretty much sweep that information away to keep myself sane. This is the worst thing and somehow it felt like I knew it was coming. Weird as it is, I felt like I've been waiting for this day to come and it is here. My worst nightmare.

I did not cry. I did not worry. I felt a bit numb somehow. I just kept telling her and rushing her to get it checked.

Yesterday, almost a week later after she told me she felt it, we went to the doctors. I was advised to go for mammogram first and if they found anything, they will proceed to ultrasound and if they still see something, they can then refer us to a breast surgeon. My mum has been quietly researching for a breast surgeon since she felt the lump. She sort of knows where she wants to go to get it checked.

We went to Desapark Sime Darby Medical Centre. My girlfriend works there but unfortunately, she is away on a course in Harvard for a week but she sorted me out.

First was mammogram, yes..they saw something.

Then came ultrasound. And again, it doesn't look good.

My heart was crying inside but I had to be strong for my mum. She was already in tears. Her first cousin died of breast cancer last year after battling it a few times and she knows how difficult it was for her late cousin. I dont blame her. She must have felt scared. She didnt say much but kept crying. I didnt want to look at her because I know if I look her in the eye, I would probably end up crying even more. My mum is way stronger than me, in every single way. Yet, this broke her.

It has not been confirmed that it is cancer but looking at the ultrasound, the shape of the tumor and the position it is at, it is most probably cancer. Please pray for my mum. I cannot function without her.
She is my life.

Next step is biopsy. We couldn't get the biopsy done yesterday because there was no breast surgeon available. Most of them are fully booked. We are trying our best to get the first available appointment somewhere. We tried all the hospitals and so far, not able to find anything this week.

My cousin who is a doctor in Institut Kanser Negara managed to get us an appointment in Putrajaya Hospital tomorrow. I hope and pray for a miracle. Although the chances are slim, I just hope that it is still in early stages where recovery is still high.

I dont know what else to say but I am broken. I wish it was me instead of her that is going through this. The wait itself will kill me.

I know my mum is strong enough to fight this. I'm talking as if we know it is cancer but we in fact dont know yet until biopsy is done. But doctors are already telling us to be prepared because from the ultrasound, it doesn't look good at all.

What else can I do but pray?
Pray Allah will ease everything. Permudahkan this journey for her. Make it easy. For her to be strong and for me to be strong too because I think I am not.

Ramadhan is here. What a way to welcome Ramadhan. I am so broken.

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