Tuesday, June 19, 2018

One Chance

I'm back!

It is so hard to find time to blog these days. I miss it a lot. I dont even know nor care if anyone is reading but it is just a good outlet for me to blog. I lost my mojo in blogging but hopefully it is not lost forever.

I was at a dear friend's open house yesterday, the only one we attended this year. Raya somehow is a very low key celebration for us. I wish we would go all out like others with the visiting and what not but somehow, we dont do it. Yesterday's open house was a perfect one for us because:

1. We haven't seen my friend for ages (they live in Sabah and come back to KL only few times a year)
2. Kids got to play together. They seldom see each other but when they do, they're like BFFS.
3. It was a small event, we got to catch up, chat over good food (and cakes!)

Some open houses are too big you can hardly talk or speak to the host as they are busy saying hello to all their guests but yesterday's was perfect. We got to talk for ages, while the kids play together.

One of the things we talked about was, as usual, about Parenting.

No one tells you how hard it is to be a parent. There is no handbook on how to be the best parent. Even if there is, I can tell you that it won't work for all kids. Every child is different and every parents will have different parenting skills. No one can tell you that your way is better than theirs.

I am a mother of 2 children. I have a boy and a girl. I am 1 person and my husband is another. I can honestly tell you that the way I parent my son is different from the way I parent my daughter. I can also tell you the way my husband parent my son is different from the way he parents my daughter. There is no "1 size fits all" when it comes to parenting. And the best part is… WE ONLY GET ONE CHANCE!

When I think about that, it gives me the chills.
What is my one chance is wrong? My child will only be 6 years old ONCE. How do I know that this method is right for them? When I find out that it is wrong, say when they are 16 years old… it will be too late to go back and correct myself. I only have ONE CHANCE at this.

I can feel my heart beating so fast whenever I think about this. Do you?

There's a very fine line between pressuring your child in something and not letting them give up. Piano, for example. Both my children recently started Piano lessons. Both of them dread doing Piano theory homework. Do I keep pushing them to do it? Do I say "Dont have to do it if you dont have any interest in it?" Do I encourage them to do their homework? Or do I pull them out of Piano class just because they would rather spend their Sundays playing their video games and watching Netflix?
You see, there's a fine line right there. As a mother, as a parent…. you do what you think is right, but as a parent, you also dont want to force them to do something they dont like doing. Theres the dilemma right there.

If you ask me what my parenting style is with regards to the above…..

I would force them to do their theory homework. I would push them to attend their piano classes. That's just me. My rational is, 30 minutes of theory and 30 minutes of Piano lessons a WEEK is not "pushing" them. Fine, they might not be the best pianist in the world, they might not even play very well at the end of this but what I hope to instil in them is to NEVER GIVE UP and to be DISCIPLINE. Just like what you do in school. You may not want to learn Geography 3 days a week, but you do, you have to. You may not even understand what the teacher is teaching but you still do the homework, you still participate in class… what you learn is discipline.

I only get ONE CHANCE. I hope I am getting this right.

My husband on the other hand doesn't want to stress the kids out unnecessarily. I totally get this point of view. I dont want to stress my kids out too. But kids need discipline in their lives. If we as parents cannot discipline them, who can and who will? I just dont want them to give up just because they're not good at something. Like everything else, to be able to be good in something takes a lot of practice. I believe they can be good at piano someday. Maybe not like Chopin or Beethoven but good enough to play a few tunes. It all takes time and practice. I just hope they won't give up and keep trying.

Like me, they also only have ONE CHANCE to be a child. I'm trying my hardest to make sure they get a good balance and be the best they can be.

I hope God will give us guidance on how to be the best parents in today's world because it is a different world compared to when I was a kid. I dont remember being stressed out as a kid but these days, there are so many options and so many ways to do things that sometimes, we all get stressed out with so many things available to choose from. I try to do things as simple as possible. I try to go back to how it was for me growing up. Going back to basic, is what I think my approach is. Hopefully I am doing it right.
Saturday, June 16, 2018

Selamat Hari Raya

And just like that….Ramadhan is over.

Time really flies. One minute I was dreading waking up for sahur and next minute, it was the last sahur just when I was starting to get used to the routine. Alhamdulillah, we are all here to celebrate aidilfitri. Alhamdulillah for the blessings and I hope to be here again next year to see Ramadhan.

We didnt do much this Ramadhan but what we really did was to redecorate the house. Something we never ever do. This year, we decided to change our sofas because it is due for an upgrade and build a TV cabinet which is something we really need anyway. Alhamdulillah, everything was ready in time for aidilfitri. For the first time ever, I felt like our house looks pretty.

Raya this year is pretty much the same. We made our rounds at 3 houses as usual. My mother in law's house, my father in law's house and then my mum's house. My sister in law is away this year and celebrating raya without her family felt a bit different because my kids didnt have their cousins to play with. It was rather quiet for them.

Meeting my whole family for raya is always nice. My cousin who lives in Canada (he's Canadian) is back for raya. My kids had a bonding session with him. That was sweet to watch. My mum, Alhamdulillah is recovering from her severe eczema. Although she is not 100% better but she was in good spirit. The breast lump surgery is also coming up but we weren't focusing on that at the moment because her eczema flare up was so bad that it needed more attention. Sigh.

Other than that, it was a quiet Raya I would say. Thankful for all the blessings and happy that we are all given another chance to celebrate raya together. I read in the papers about the Cradle Fund CEO who died after he was trapped by a fire in his bedroom and I thought to myself, life is so fragile. My prayers are with his family. May Allah bless his soul and give strength to his wife and family in this difficult time. Also a reminder to myself not to charge the phone in the bedroom too. I always charge the phone next to the bed. I will stop doing this! I need to think of an alternative because it is so dangerous.

Anyway, to all my wonderful readers… I would like to wish you all a very bless Aidilfitri. Selamat Hari Raya and Maaf Zahir Batin. Have a good celebration and if you are traveling, have a safe journey.




Thursday, May 31, 2018

Alhamdulillah

It's been a roller coaster ride since I found out about my mum's lump. A million things was going in my head. I know I can't live without my mum. I just dont even know how to imagine not having her around. At the same time, I need to manage my expectations.

After the mammogram and ultrasound, we went to see another doctor and got FNAC procedure done. FNAC is a procedure where a needle is inserted into the lump to take out small tissue for examination. This procedure is very simple. It is just like drawing blood. But during this procedure, somehow they couldn't get that much out because there was pus. When I heard that, my heart sank. It doesn't sound good. But the doctor decided to go ahead with it and try again. Same thing happened the second round when the needle was inserted. They just couldn't get much tissue out but after discussing between them (the doctors) they decided it was enough to proceed.

2 weeks later the results came out and Alhamdulillah it is in favour of a benign. I questioned and questioned the result because I couldn't believe it. Doctor decided to remove the lump and after that, they will do a biopsy to determine if it is cancerous. For now, I will just take it as it is not cancer. Alhamdulillah for now.

I need to keep praying.

If the results from the biopsy comes back negative. Then no further treatment is required. But if it is cancer, then we will need to discuss further treatment.

Allah answered my prayers. I swear I feel Him.

At the hospital, despite the major traffic, I asked for help from Him to find me a good parking spot as my mum was inside the hospital already and I didnt want to leave her alone in there for long. Immediately, a parking spot right outside the entrance became available. I just had a good feeling it was going to be a good day.

Although there is still a chance that it may possibly be cancer, for now, let's just remain positive and keep praying. Miracles do happen and this is definitely one of them.


Monday, May 21, 2018

Salam Ramadhan

Ramadhan is here. Has it been a year already? Time really flies.

Honestly speaking, I am not ready for ramadhan at all, nor do I have the mood. I dont. I've also decided to take a break from KupuKupu this year. I feel like I need time out. My energy has run out and I need to find myself this year. This year I've only done few pieces for my regular customers and that's about it.

Doesn't help that we are also still waiting for my mum's biopsy results. I am expecting the worst already. I know I should remain positive but it is tough. Half of me is still in denial and the other half of me is just praying this is all just a bad dream and I will wake up from it soon.


But Ramadhan is a holy month and it is this month in which Allah opens His doors of mercy, forgiveness and blessings upon us muslims. InsyaAllah my prayers will be answered this month. I need to pray more.

It's only been day 5 of Ramadhan but I feel like I've done a lot of things. I took my mum for her biopsy on the first day of Ramadhan. I dropped my mum off at the reception and she went to register while I look for parking. Parking was a nightmare and I felt like it was impossible for me to find one after going round and round many times. Finally, I just said out loud "Ya Allah, please help me!" and immediately, a parking spot was available right in front of the main entrance. I felt like it was a sign to say He is there! Alhamdulillah. Despite the long wait, everything went well. Allah permudahkan everything for us that day. The wait for the biopsy report will kill me but Alhamdulillah, we are OK and feeling OK. We kind of know what to expect but we are trying to just brush it away for now. It would be a miracle if it comes back negative but Allah knows best. For now, we will just remain positive as much as we can.

Speaking of Ramadhan, Young Living is having this awesome promotion going on from now until 25th May 2018. The Premium Starter Kit is only RM680.40 this Ramadhan (normal price is RM756) so if you've been thinking of getting this, now is the time because I've never seen this deal before. Let me know before 25 May 2018 if you want to get this set and I will reserve it for you.

Have a blessed Ramadhan. Let's do good this month. May Allah bless us all, forgive all our sins and grant us the best Ramadhan. And please pray for my mama!!

Thank you!

Happy Fasting everyone!

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

I'm heartbroken

Exactly a week ago on election day, my mum dropped me a bomb. She told me she felt a lump on her right breast. My heart broke into pieces. I felt like I knew what was coming. Determined to stay strong, I told her to get checked and I went into denial mode. I pretty much sweep that information away to keep myself sane. This is the worst thing and somehow it felt like I knew it was coming. Weird as it is, I felt like I've been waiting for this day to come and it is here. My worst nightmare.

I did not cry. I did not worry. I felt a bit numb somehow. I just kept telling her and rushing her to get it checked.

Yesterday, almost a week later after she told me she felt it, we went to the doctors. I was advised to go for mammogram first and if they found anything, they will proceed to ultrasound and if they still see something, they can then refer us to a breast surgeon. My mum has been quietly researching for a breast surgeon since she felt the lump. She sort of knows where she wants to go to get it checked.

We went to Desapark Sime Darby Medical Centre. My girlfriend works there but unfortunately, she is away on a course in Harvard for a week but she sorted me out.

First was mammogram, yes..they saw something.

Then came ultrasound. And again, it doesn't look good.

My heart was crying inside but I had to be strong for my mum. She was already in tears. Her first cousin died of breast cancer last year after battling it a few times and she knows how difficult it was for her late cousin. I dont blame her. She must have felt scared. She didnt say much but kept crying. I didnt want to look at her because I know if I look her in the eye, I would probably end up crying even more. My mum is way stronger than me, in every single way. Yet, this broke her.

It has not been confirmed that it is cancer but looking at the ultrasound, the shape of the tumor and the position it is at, it is most probably cancer. Please pray for my mum. I cannot function without her.
She is my life.

Next step is biopsy. We couldn't get the biopsy done yesterday because there was no breast surgeon available. Most of them are fully booked. We are trying our best to get the first available appointment somewhere. We tried all the hospitals and so far, not able to find anything this week.

My cousin who is a doctor in Institut Kanser Negara managed to get us an appointment in Putrajaya Hospital tomorrow. I hope and pray for a miracle. Although the chances are slim, I just hope that it is still in early stages where recovery is still high.

I dont know what else to say but I am broken. I wish it was me instead of her that is going through this. The wait itself will kill me.

I know my mum is strong enough to fight this. I'm talking as if we know it is cancer but we in fact dont know yet until biopsy is done. But doctors are already telling us to be prepared because from the ultrasound, it doesn't look good at all.

What else can I do but pray?
Pray Allah will ease everything. Permudahkan this journey for her. Make it easy. For her to be strong and for me to be strong too because I think I am not.

Ramadhan is here. What a way to welcome Ramadhan. I am so broken.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Happy Mother's Day

It was Mother's Day yesterday and I was in a bad mood, pretty much all day. Haha…

The day started really beautifully though. In bed, when I opened my eyes, my daughter was right next to me hugging me (she still sleeps with me!) and she said "Happy Mother's Day, mummy. I will love you no matter what". My heart was filled with so much joy. She is truly heaven sent. She's been sending me love notes and cute drawings all day.
How cute is this drawing?

The boys in the house? Well, they couldn't care less. My husband did not wish me at all. My son, was too busy playing his iPad and Nintendo to wish me.

I try not to get upset about the lack of recognition but then I figured, lets not dwell on it. Every day is Mother's Day. I dont need them to wish me to feel loved. It would be nice and thoughtful of them if they did but let's just accept that some men, couldn't care less. I was a bit upset but whatever. No big deal.

Then I started to realise that there are homework not completed. I got more upset that the homework required to do is something my son wouldn't be able to do by himself! It is for Geography and they needed to make a fake passport. I've done this when my daughter was in Year 1and now I have to do it again!!! ARGH

Thankfully, I still had the template in my computer. I just have to edit the name here and there and done. But as I was doing it, I got more and more angry. My husband was on his phone playing candy crush / reading the news and my son, is busy playing his iPad. WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS WORK TODAY????? I was fuming. Best part is, no one cares! Everyone was happily playing with their devices while me, THE MOTHER have to do this homework on MOTHER's DAY! How unfair.
At the same time, I checked my period tracker and looks like I'm getting my period in a few days, hence, my blood was boiling even more due to PMS.

My kids has piano lessons on Sunday and we were almost late for piano because I was rushing to sort things out, sort lunch out, pack piano books, get them to shower and get ready etc etc and yes, all this while everyone was playing with their phone / iPad. How nice! Every now and then my daughter will come and give me hugs and kisses and will wish me Happy Mother's Day throughout the day. She's the only one who cares about special days like this.
Beautiful 3 roses :)

On the way back from Piano class, my daughter dragged my husband to get flowers for me. He had to I supposed for finally I got these! LOL.

My daughter was so excited about it.

We spent time at home after that. We didnt celebrate it like others do. I guess, it's not really a big deal. It's ok. I know I am a mother and I dont need to feel special 1 day in a year. I should feel special everyday.

My daughter came into my life and made me a mother. That itself is special. She is just so sweet to me and I love her for it. I hope she will never change - although she sounds like a American teenager when she speaks now, I hope she will just stay this cute, this adorable and this innocent forever.

I wish all mothers out there a very blessed Mother's Day. Where ever you are and whatever you are doing or not doing, I hope you know and feel that you are special, no matter what. As much as I sometimes bitch about being a mom, it is the thing I am actually most proud of.
Friday, May 11, 2018

New Malaysia

There was a time when I thought my vote won't count. What could just ONE vote do? I thought to myself whoever is in power will not affect my life much. That was how ignorant I was. I never had any interest in politics nor did I care. I just feel like I'm just one person, I can't make a difference and why should I even bother? I have better things to do, surely.

I started to look around me. Yes, alhamdulillah, I live pretty well but when I speak to people outside this bubble I live in, I see people are struggling. A lot of people are. My ONE vote will make an impact to their lives. My ONE vote can make a difference. I was not convinced I could but that little voice inside me tells me you should at least try...

I was in Penang last year and I spoke to the girls working in the reflexology centre. I went to get a foot massage. They are struggling to make ends meet. Lunch for them is a packet of Maggi because if they were to spend more by buying food at the stalls down the road (which won't cost them more than RM10 per meal), their monthly salary won't be enough to cover their rent. That is how bad things are for them. They tell me things have gotten even worse since the implementation of GST. People are visiting these hotels less, less visitors means less people would come to get a foot massage from them. Things are getting more and more expensive for them. They used to make about RM3000 per month but now, that salary is cut to almost half. That made me rethink my decision to vote. I may be blessed to be financially stable but people outside the bubble aren't. I need to help any way I can.


On the 9th May 2018, I went out to vote at Setiawangsa P118. It was my first time. I am a proud first time voter. I could have voted before, yes, I could have but I didnt. Better late than never right? This time, I saw firsthand how my ONE vote, made a huge difference. I was part of this new phenomena! I was part of this BIG change. Wow. I can make a difference.

I voted for change and I got it! Alhamdulillah! God is great!

Couples who vote together, stays together 
Voting wasn't all that difficult at all. I woke up, went to my voting station which was literally 2 minutes drive away. Walked in and waited in the queue for about slightly over an hour. That was it. The process was done within 2 minutes but the impact was huge!

The wait for the results was long. Oh boy, it was!! I didnt feel too well that day (probably because I heard a not so good news from my mum that made my heart sank a bit - will share later). I felt my whole body crumpling down. I felt like I was really falling sick. I applied oils all day and by 8pm, I was in bed. My body couldn't take it. As much as I wanted to wait for the results, my body said "NO!! You have to sleep!" My husband stayed up waiting for the results.

At about 12am, I woke up from my sleep to go to the toilet. I've been drinking a lot of water lately (my new habit!) and my sleep is often interrupted. I always have to pee at least 2x a night. Reminded me of the time when I was pregnant. (No, I'm not pregnant!). I walked outside to check on my husband, he was half asleep and I suddenly felt like I should watch the results a bit. My body was still aching but I still wanted to see what happened.

I was shocked that results was still not out yet. Why is it taking so long?? Is this even normal??? Some hanky panky must be going on. At this point in time, I was still sure BN would win. They always somehow manage to win right? I still didnt see the power of my ONE vote. I voted for a guy I didnt know. I was so sure he wouldn't win. He is so young. And the other guy is a very well known UMNO veteran. So sure he wouldn't win, yet I voted against the odd. The underdog.

When the results came out that my guy won, I was shocked!!! WOW!!!!!!! My vote made a difference!
This is awesome isn't it?!

Finally at almost 4am, it was announced that Pakatan Harapan won. My kids got up and watched the news with us. They dont understand it of course, but they know that it is a big thing and wanted to be a part of it. I guess in a way it was like sports day, rooting for your team to win. I was happy to learn that some of my BN friends, whose family are contesting won their race too. I know they worked really hard for the people of their kawasan. They are genuine leaders who are truly in politics to help the people.

I come to realise that it is not BN that people hate. It is the leader. The top leader. But they have good people who are truly awesome leader to their community. Those, my respect stands with them. Unfortunately, to get rid of the top leader, there is no other way but to bring the whole party down. That is when Malaysian unite and vote for one.

I've always been a fan of Tun M. I grew up with him as an idol. And Tun Siti Hasmah, what do you not love about her? She's just the most amazing person there is. She's super cute too and very witty. I once saw them walking in Pavilion about 10 years ago. I was with my husband and I wanted a photo with them but we were too scared to go up to them (because of the security around them). Once we walked away, we saw so many going up to them asking for photo. Damn! I live to regret that day. I wish I had the courage to go up to them. They are very approachable and so lovely from what we saw. Hopefully someday I will get that change. May Allah bless them and protect them always. 93 years old. Wow. That's a record for sure! There is no other like him. If anyone can do it, it is him!

I woke up the next day to a brand new Malaysia. I am proud to be part of this new Malaysia. A single vote made a huge difference. I feel like we are stronger when we all unite. Together we are stronger. I dont know much about politics and honestly speaking, I am not too interested in it but what I want is a better future for all of us. So many to do to get Malaysia like how it was before, the Malaysia I remember and love. We all need to do our part.

Every vote counts! We can make a difference
We now have a chance to make a difference. Remember, every little bit counts! Just like how my 1 vote did!