Thursday, January 30, 2014

Don't piss me off please

It's Chinese New Year today. I'm in a bad and foul mood. And they say this year is supposed to be better for me than last year? I highly doubt it at the rate it's going now.

Hubs pissed me off this morning
Daughter refused to shower and when I scolded her she ran to her father and as always, mummy is the bad cop. My son just fell backwards and flip back from the stairs. I'm so not having a good day obviously!

I'm in the worst mood you can ever be. Locked myself up in the bathroom and had a little cry and that helped. Cooked chicken rice for lunch without anyone disturbing me and that felt good. No communication with anyone for about an hour or so and just mind my own self while I cook lunch.

Argh!! Why does everything have to be so difficult sometimes?

I wish I can run away for a few days. Ok that's impossible. But even if it's just a few hours would be good. Only me, myself and I ...






- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, January 27, 2014

2 is enough?

After we got married, we decided that we would wait awhile before trying for a baby. We always knew we wanted kids but we've never actually discussed how many kids we would like to have and things like that. All he said was he wants me to be at home with the kids instead of letting someone (like a nanny) take care of the kids. I always knew that I'd be a SAHM at some point. Only thing was, back then, I was excited to be SAHM cuz it meant no datelines, no waking up early to get ready for work, no going through traffic, no kissing bosses ass etc. Boy, I was wrong. Being a SAHM is a 24 hour job!
When we started trying for a baby, it was pretty difficult. I dont know why it was quite difficult but it took us 6 months to get pregnant with my daughter. 6 months of crying and sobbing and feeling sad when that time of the month came. When we got pregnant, it was the best thing ever!! We were over the moon!!

We did everything according to the book. Went for every check up, followed all the doctor's orders, didnt eat this, didnt do that, and it was so 'by-the-book' kind of thing. My husband wanted a boy so bad and was disappointed when we found out it was going to be a girl.

I wanted a boy too because I knew how much my husband wanted a boy but honestly speaking, when the doctor told me that it was going to be a girl, I couldnt be happier. I was a little sad that my husband is sad but I know he will be OK when she's born. True enough, he couldnt get enough of his little girl and she is trully his number 1 love. (After she came, I was almost invisible to the husband!)

She became our world. She turned me upside down, I swear. She was breastfed (and only directfed) for about 22 months and that was my biggest struggle as I couldnt go anywhere without her. It meant that I could not go for facials, I could not go for haircuts, I couldnt go anywhere unless I take her along in case she gets hungry. It was annoying but that was my life for 22 months.

I think after she was about 20 months, I got pregnant with my son. We didnt plan but at the time, we've disscussed it and figured it was the right time to have a second one. I was hoping it would be a boy simply because I didnt want the pressure of getting a son, if this second pregnancy was going to be another girl. Alhamdulillah...we found out pretty quickly too that we will be getting a boy. He is truly my little sunshine as he is such a happy little baby and always made me smile.

I have 2 precious little one. 1 is going to be 4 and another 1 will be 2 this year. I am blessed to have a pair and that is just the best feeling ever because I'm not pressured to have another one. Even if we do have another one, we'll be ok if it is a boy or a girl. I think for now, our family is complete.

Motherhood is really difficult for me as I am really not very domesticated at all. Things like cooking for my kids should come naturally but cooking for them is like pulling teeth sometimes. I just dont know what to feed them sometimes and I must say that my maid helped me a lot in that area. I also feel bad that I didnt give my son as much attention as I got to give my daughter when she was his age. I feel bad that because I have a helping hand, I sometimes run away from doing things. I'm not proud of it but I feel like my time for myself is so limited that whenever someone is there to help, I should just take it without thinking too much.

But yeah I feel like 2 is more than enough for me to handle right now. My husband will be 39 this year and I'll be 35 (OMG) and honestly speaking, I'm feeling a bit old to be pregnant again. Kind of miss holding a newborn though. Feels like my son grew so quickly and so fast that I didnt get to enjoy him as a baby so much. Plus, I was depressed pretty much the whole time he was a baby :(

Anyway....I think I'm done for now... 2 kids? Not bad huh?
I dont know. I feel complete right now...I think I'm ready to close my shop.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Dining in the sky

My mil wanted to take us out for new year's dinner and asked my sil to organize it. Sil decided we should go to strato Italian restaurant in town.



Strato is located on level 23A of Troika. In case you are wondering where that is, it is opposite PNB park and just around the corner of the citibank building. Not too far away from KLCC.

We were excited to try this place out although to be honest, I've never heard of this place before.

We went for dinner on the 1st January 2014 as we couldn't get a table for our big group on the 31st December. There was about 20 of us including my bils, sils, nieces and nephews.

I ordered the lobster linguini. I didn't know what else to order to be honest and this one looks the best. It was quite pricey too at almost RM90 per plate. I figured it must be good. Hubby had the steak.







Verdict?

Well, let's just say the view was amazing and the food was OK. Not worth my RM90 for sure as it tasted quite hmmm... Normal. I think I can cook better and the lobster? What lobster? I think I had just a small piece hidden somewhere underneath the linguini. Quite disappointed if you ask me. Hubster's steak was average too as the sauce wasn't all that tasty and tasted a bit weird.

I wouldn't say the food was not nice but for the price we paid, I expected better.









The view was amazing though. It was raining earlier so we had the clear sky that night.

Oh but this place is not really suitable for kids and senior citizens. See that staircase? You gotta climb up the stairs to get to the dining area. The lift gets you up till level 23a but the restaurant is one level up and you gotta take that staircase up.

My mil (who is 70 yrs old) was scared to walk up those stairs so I tried my luck asking if there's another way up. The lady at the front said they only have the service lift which is for their staff to bring food and all up. Thankfully she allowed us to go on that lift. Finally all of us took the service lift up and down.

Will I come back? I don't think I would. I'm sure we can find other Italian restaurants next time. But for couples looking for a quiet romantic dinner, this is the place for you. For first date maybe.. Where food don't really matter because all you will do is smile and look at each other and the view and only eat a little bit! Hehe...
Saturday, January 25, 2014

My life


Does this remind you of your life? This is soooo me!!! Its always like this getting ready to go out and I HATE it that I always have to rush because hubs is normally already waiting for me in the car. I wish I had more time to get ready but almost all the time, it is exactly like the photo above. Most days, my maid will help me get my son ready but my daughter always prefers me to help her get dressed. Still, despite the help, I'm always late in getting ready and always the last to get in the car. How annoying!





This is another classic example of my relationship with my daughter! I'm sure when my son is a little bit older, he will be doing all of the above too. Again, how annoying!!! That's my life in a nutshell.

When I was growing up, my mum was busy working to raise us to give us a good life. Although we didnt have a father, but we never felt that something was missing. Hence, I never saw divorce as a negative thing because my parent's divorce was actually a positive experience for us all since it made my mum happier. I was talking to my mum the other day about how independent we all are compared to our cousins who grew up with both parents around. I find that children with SAHM is less independent than children with both parents working. That's from my own experience looking at how we (my siblings and I) grew up compared to my cousins. It got me thinking about how my kids will be when they grow up.

Being a SAHM, I obviously have to be there for them whenever they need me. Just like the photo above. Although they CAN actually do most of the things themselves, they'd rather their mummy do it for them. As much as I want to manja my kids, I hope I can be strong enough to let them 'go' when the time comes. Let them do things their way and let them learn to be independent.

I'm less controlling than my husband is when it comes to the kids. I let them run and fall...whereas my husband will be 1 step behind them chasing them to catch them when they fall. I'll be the one under the shades at the playground, playing with my phone and watching them run & fall. I'll pick them up when they fall and tell them to be careful but I wont stop them from climbing or jumping around. That's probably my way of letting them be independent I guess. I'm ok to leave them cry at school whereas my husband will be outside the door waiting to hear their voice in case they cry. (example).

I dont know. I'm just worried that they wont be independent because if there's 1 thing I want them to be, is independent.

I remember when I was 8years old, I planned my own birthday party. I did the invites, I invited my friends, I planned what games to play and I also bought prizes for the games from my bookshop and wrapped them up by myself. I remember informing my mum and dad what food to order for the party. Pretty impressive if you ask me and I remember that party clearly too because I won all the games and got to keep all the prizes! LOL. Anyway!

My point is, I hope I can be like my mum. She did it all on her own. We are all educated, we all finished our education and got pretty good jobs. My brothers are both doing pretty ok and I can say that my mum should be proud of herself for raising such great kids. We werent easy kids, I'll tell you. We all had our issues and problems and drama but looking at us now, I think she should be proud.

I really hope I can raise my kids the right way. I still have no clue how but I hope I'll be able to do the right thing and the right way.
Friday, January 24, 2014

Oliver Twist Roast Chicken

Since our kitchen is fully functional now, I haven’t actually tried my new grill/oven so I thought perhaps it is the right time to check it out. For the longest time, I’ve been cooking only local
dishes for dinner but last night, I decided its time to make use of my new oven.


I remember a few people telling me that roast chicken is so easy to do. I didn’t believe them obviously. I know its really yummy but I thought it must be quite a difficult thing to cook. After getting some recipes from few friends, I decided I’m ready for it. I’m ready to make my first ever
roast chicken!


I was told that you cant go wrong with Jamie Oliver’s Roast Chicken recipe so I was going through it and studied it a little bit. I had all the ingredients anyway. Great. A good friend of mine in UK had also forwarded me her recipe for roast chicken so what I did was, I combined this 2 recipes.
My version is called the Oliver Twist Roast Chicken


Here’s the recipe:
½ chicken
1 carrot
1 celery
1 large onion
4 spoon of chopped garlic
1 whole garlic (skin on)
Rosemary
Thyme
Salt
Pepper
1 lemon
Few sprinkle of Worcestershire sauce
1 chicken cube
Olive oil
Butter


Here’s how I did it
  1. Make garlic butter using the chopped garlic and mix it together with the butter. Make a few “pockets” here and there on the chicken and stuff the garlic butter inside these “pockets”
  2. Drizzle olive oil all over the chicken and season the chicken with salt, pepper and the chicken cube. (break the cube and just rub it all over the chicken)
  3. Cut the onions, garlic carrots and celery. Don't bother about making it look nice. The chunkier the better.
  4. I use thyme and rosemarie from the bottle so just sprinkle it all over the chicken and on the vege as well. Rub well
  5. Squeeze the lemon.
  6. Sprinkle a bit of Worcestershire sauce here and there. Not too much.


Preheat the oven to 200celcius and put it in the oven for about 1 hour and 20 minutes. Check every now and then. I turn down the heat to 170 towards the end.





And walaaaaa... It turned out to be so amazingly sedap!!!
But unfortunately, the vege were too cooked. It was quite hangus but still they taste really really good. I wish I put more vege. Next time I’m going to add sweet potato too. I’m sure it will be amazing!


I didn’t think the chicken alone will be filling so I also made mash potatoes. My mash potato is really simple. Just potatoes, milk, salt,pepper and butter.  My husband is not a mash potato person so made a little bit of buttered rice for him. Good thing I did because he had extra servings of rice too that night.
For the butter rice, I added chicken stock instead of water and I added some chopped garlic and lots of butter. Yum. This is by far the easiest and tastiest meal I’ve made in a long time. I love it so much!!! The skin is so crispy and inside is so juicy!
Try it. I feel like a junior masterchef last night.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Baby steps



One of my own personal goals this year is to be closer to Allah. To learn more about Islam and to be a better muslim, InsyaAllah.


I have to admit that growing up, despite having really strict and religious family, when it comes to prayers, I hardly ever prayed. When my mum used to bug me to do my prayers, I'd just lock myself in the room for 5 minutes and when that 5 minutes is up, I'll go outside and she would just assume that I’ve done my prayers. I don't know why it was so difficult for me to pray. I just call it being lazy.


I come from a really religious family. My grandma is the kind that until today at the age of 83 still goes for her weekly mengaji and agama classes. One of my aunt wears purdah (covers herself in black and you can only see her eyes) and the other aunts wear those long-ish tudungs. My uncles are the kind who would literally drag me from the front of the TV and push me (gently) inside the toilet to make sure I take my wuduk and would punish me for wearing shorts. So you see, my family is really strict when it comes to solat. My mum is a little bit laid back. She is strict and will urge me to pray all the time...but she’s not so pushy as the rest. The reason why she doesn't force us to pray as much as my uncles and aunts would is probably because she's just so busy. She's the only one in her family who doesn't wear a tudung until recently (at the age of 61) and she's the coolest out of all her siblings. But although she is the most laid back in the family, she is really strict and no-nonsense-type of person. She's strict and wants us to pray and all but she's not so pushy like my aunts and uncles. So I think because of that, my siblings and I are a bit liat when it comes to prayers compared to my cousins.



Last year was a bad year for me. I was pushed and dragged in so many different directions. I was challenged so much and I remember my mum kept telling me to pray. She knows I don't pray but that doesn't stop her from giving me encouragement to pray all the time. She said after I got married, her responsibility ended and it is my husband's job to get me to pray but she still does the usual thing and kept reminding me to keep my prayers.


Last year, a few days before my mum went for her umrah, I was at my worst. I really wanted to isolate myself from the world and I felt so alone despite having everyone around me. I guess it was also when I was suffering from postpartum depression and I was really feeling sorry for myself and got really depressed. I didn't know what to do and right before she left for Mekkah, I somehow had the courage to tell her what I was going through. I kept it inside for months because I knew she’d get worried and I didn’t want her to worry about me. She came over one night at 1.30am cuz she knew I was depressed. We had a long talk and she started crying and she said she cant leave for umrah in peace knowing that I feel this depressed. She kept saying that the only one that can help me is Allah and I have to pray. All she said was pray, pray, pray.


After she left, I prayed for the first time in years and I couldn't stop crying and that felt so good. From then, my journey started.... I began to see things differently and MasyaAllah, it was a turning point and made me feel better.


I don't know how to explain the before & after but that night was a major turning point in my life. It's not the first time my mum asked me to pray but somehow, that night when I did, everything changed. I became calmer and I just felt so different. Things didn't change much but I changed. My feelings changed. It was almost God answered my prayers and gave me extra powers or something to get through my days.


Since then, I started praying, on and off. Praying does give me a lot of strength and it did help me a lot but I'm taking baby steps. I'm not so strict on myself. I try to do my prayers without forcing myself to do it. Some days I pray once, some days 4 times and some days I don’t pray at all. I think my husband sees this and he's happy to see the changes in me. Initially, I kept hiding from him. I would only pray when he’s not around because I didn’t want him to see me pray. I didn’t want and didn’t need the pressure from him. I don’t want him to see me pray and then start thinking that I’m not going to miss my prayers anymore. I didn’t tell anyone that I started praying simply because I don’t want people to judge and have expectations. I wanted to do it for me, because of me and take my time.


I want my transition to be an easy one. I need to take baby steps to become a better person and I don't want people to tell me "Oh, you need to pray FIVE times a day" "do this and that", "cannot do this, cannot do that" I hate reading comments people leave on the social media condemning people on how they lead their life. If you don't like how people do it, leave the page! Those holier-than-thou people really gets on my nerves.


Anyway, since December last year, I've started praying more and more. I've also started listening and reading more about Islam and I made a secret new year's resolution to pray at least 4 times a day. And I'm happy to say that I have not skipped any prayers since New Year. I don't pray subuh tho. Because like I said, I'm still taking baby steps and Subuh just seems too difficult for me to do. I don't want to force myself to do something just yet. So my aim is to perfect my 4x a day prayer. When I'm up during subuh for feeding or whatever, I will pray. I know my way is not the best way and some holier-than-thou individuals will say 5x a day is wajib, yada yada yada, just leave me alone ok. This is MY way and this is between me and Allah.


I'm taking baby steps and Alhamdulillah, I feel so good. I have days when I still feel God is unfair and why this and that but so many prayers have been answered and I do feel connected to Him more than ever. I honestly don't know if I will stop praying again, start again and stop again but every day, I pray for Him to show me the light and guide me to the right path. Show me how to be a better mom, a better wife and a better muslim.


I was listening to Ustaz Kasim on tv the other day and for us girls, it is so easy to enter jannah. All we need to do is pray, puasa, and taat pada suami. The hardest to do is to taat pada suami he said so we should do the other two properly. Which kind of make sense to me.


InsyaAllah, with baby steps... I will be a step closer....


Pray for me.



Saturday, January 18, 2014

SAHM club




This is me in a nutshell! What got me laughing was the Day Care Teacher part because really, that's me! I pretend to be a teacher with my kids almost all the time and they love it! We sing songs and do alphabets and numbers like in a proper play school. It's fun and I should get paid for it! Hehe kidding.

When I saw this photo on my fb I immediately thought about other SAHMs. I'm sure some are busier and some are more relaxed than the other but we pretty much do the same thing everyday. I get help from my maid doing the "laundry operator", "housekeeping" & "janitor" work but other than that, I do it all. In fact there are other things that's not on this photo such as "accounts assistant" & "travel agent" job. It's kind of funny when you think about it.

I wonder if there's a SAHM club in town. If there is, I should join the club for sure. We really need to support each other even if it is just for a shoulder to cry on.

Before I became a SAHM, I always thought that this is an easy job but boy was I wrong. I was so wrong.

I don't socialize as much as I should anymore because my time is always with the family. When I do go out with my friends, to have a quality time and really have a conversation, I need to leave the kids at home and when I do bring them around, it is difficult to have a decent conversation. I miss just gossiping and talking nonsense with girlfriends.

People often say "you should just go!" But most of the time, these people don't know that for a SAHM to simply leave her kids while she is out for a little bit of "me" time is not so simple. Maybe for other SAHMs are different, I don't know. But for me, it gets too complicated and too difficult that it is just easier to take them along or just not go!

I think we do need a club for us mommies. Even if it's just to share ideas, parenting or relationship tips or just to socialize. I also think it is a good idea to have a group for SAHMs to share business ideas and support each other's home business. If we don't support each other, who will right?

I'm curious to know if there is such group around and if there are, how I can get involved. Do you know any? I know overseas they have a lot of these support groups. We need it here for sure.

#SAHMbersatu hehe
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, January 14, 2014

MultiTasker

I have mild OCD. I like things a certain way and sometimes I keep doing the same thing over and over again until I get it right. It's not really a problem because it is not like it distracts me or stop me from doing anything else but yea, I just realise that I'm a little bit of a Monica and I do have mild OCD!


I like my hangers to be hanged the same side. The hook has got to be facing the other side instead of facing me. Well, this is one example of my OCD-ness but since becoming a mom and I don't have time to really sort it out properly, sometimes I just let it slide. And since my maid does all the hanging and whatnot, I somehow just follow how she does it instead of correcting it and making her do things my way. But whenever I see it not being done my way, I will think about it more than a number of times a day until it gets fixed or until I forget about it. That's me and my OCD for you.


Apart from doing the usual things I do around the house like cooking and looking after the kids, I also manage the finances and household bills. Bills will get sent to the house and I will put it all in a folder and at the end of the month, I will pay it via Maybank2u. My husband will ask how much all the bills add up to and he will transfer the amount to my account. After I pay all the bills for the month, I will key in the figures including the reference number and the date I made the payment on a spreadsheet that I created. Once this is done, I will print out that spreadsheet and stapled all the bills together and keep it in a file. I'm quite organized like that.


Now that I do my groceries shopping online, I will also file the receipt and separate them by month. That way, I also know my monthly spending and roughly know how much I will need from my husband for groceries.


I don't know if there's a better way of doing it but this is how I do it in my household. I can easily check when I make a certain payment, the reference number is there and I will also know how much we spend every month.


So you see, when I'm on my laptop, I'm not only doing my personal stuff like blogging, or bloghopping or my party stuff or whatever, sometimes I'm also doing a little bit of accounts. I also do filing work! I'm kind of like an all rounder. I set appointments for my husband's haircuts/facial, I make order online for groceries, I pay bills, I do a little bit of cooking... I guess you can say I'm quite a multitasker.


One thing I don't get is day off. My maid has her day off on Sundays. Whether it is a whole day till 6pm or half day till 3pm, almost every Sunday, she's off to do her own thing. My husband gets time off from husband and daddy duties when he is away on business which happens almost every month for about 3-4 days and that's equivalent to 1 day a week although his day off is taken on consecutive days. So you see, I'm the only one with no off day!!!


Overworked. For sure!
Monday, January 13, 2014

Bad Mommy moment

Sigh.


One after another. I cannot take a break, I swear. Just like the name of this blog, I feel like my world just turned upside down right now.


Already I'm struggling to find a replacement maid and she dropped another bombshell saying that she wants to leave in Feb or latest in March. I've been calling and communicating with several maid agencies and found a few potential candidates but I'm still waiting for my current agent to give me some CVs for me to look at. First of all, my agent has been good so far. They delivered what they promised and it was pretty easy dealing with them. I also liked that we can interview the maid at their office via video conferencing. Secondly their fees is so far one of the cheapest I've come across. Thirdly, I'm loyal like that. When I like your service, I keep going back. Although there are probably better agencies out there, I always stick to what I know rather than going to somewhere I'm not sure about. Unless I'm extremely desperate.


For weeks since she told me that she wants to leave, I've been stressing out. Not because I cannot live without a maid but I know I wont get to do a lot of things I planned to do if I don't have a maid. I'll be maidless. After a lot of soul-searching and praying to God for strength, I finally accepted the news and somehow, Allah answered my prayer. I feel at ease and I'm ok with her leaving earlier. I wish she could stay until I find a replacement but if she doesn't, I've accepted it and dah redha with the situation. Somehow, when I finally feel at ease, a couple of days ago, my maid told me that she will stay until we find a replacement. Why the change of heart? Wallahualam. Am I jumping with joy? Well, maybe not. I feel a little weight being lifted off my shoulder but until I find a replacement, I wont be jumping with joy. At any time, my maid can leave. Today she can say she wants to wait, tomorrow she can say "I want to go back because my bf wants to marry me this month" or whatever. Im a bit angry that the ball is in her court though. Shouldn't be that way because she is actually tied with us until her visa expires in November 2015 but because I'm easy, she gets away with it. All I know is, I already found 'closure' and she is free to leave whenever she wants to without me having this anger inside of me anymore.


Anyway, since she told me that she's staying until we find a replacement, I must say I don't feel so much pressure calling the agent every single day. I still call them, but I don't have to bug them 24/7. I wait until she emails me with the CV and then I screen them. If I see someone I like, I'll interview but if I don't, we will just wait for more CVs to come. No more pressure to find a maid ASAP. Otherwise, I'm practically harassing them every few hours. So yeah, lega la sikit these few days.


I haven't done any work this past few days simply because I've been slacking. Today I woke up and decided to do some work. Remember my plan? Well, I was doing some party stuff in my dining room today. I have my laptop on the table. My daughter was on her ipad while my son was playing with some toys that we have lying around. I could see them from the corner of my eyes and my maid was cooking something in the kitchen. Then I saw my son walking going towards the kitchen and I assumed that that is where he went.


For a good 10 minutes I was working. I didn't hear any sound at all. My daughter was happily playing with the ipad and I could hear my maid cooking but somehow I couldn't hear my son. Normally if he's in the kitchen, I will hear my maid telling him not to open the drawers, or not to play with the kitchen tools or whatever but this time, nothing. While I was working in that 10 minutes, I wondered where he was but I was too occupied that I didn't bother looking. I just assumed that he was in the kitchen and that he was doing something.


But it was weird that he didn't open the cabinets or try to get inside the cabinet. I could hear my maid washing dishes and doing things but no sound of my son and I decided to get up and check on him. To my surprise, he wasn't there. The kitchen door heading outside the house is opened. I thought he had gone out but there was no way he could go out the door without my maid telling him not to. We couldn't find him!! I called his name many times and ran around the house but he was nowhere to be found. My maid ran upstairs on the first floor and as soon as I couldn't find him downstairs, I ran upstairs too.


There he was, on the beanbag, in front of the tv (tv was off) and he was playing with a long piece of ribbon. This ribbon was tied like a necklace (Don't ask me where that ribbon came from!) and it was around his neck. He could have pulled it, or tried to get it off or something, he could have strangled himself. OMG!!!! I almost died!


When I saw him, he was quiet and he just smiled. I scolded him and said "Why are you alone??? Do you know what will happen if you pull this ribbon? What if you fall down the stairs? How is mummy going to replace you?" yada yada yada.... he just looked at me and smiled and hugged me. He nodded as if he understood what he did was strong.


I just couldn't stop imagining what could have happened to him. It will be MY fault if anything were to happen to him today. MY fault!


As much as we always tell my maid that her main task is to look after the kids, looking after them should be MY priority!!! I'm so angry at myself. So angry that I want to do work so much that I neglect my kids! Come on man!!! What's up with that? Not like I'm starving and need the money or my husband don't give me enough money!


What is wrong with me???!!!


Argh!


I so badly want to have my own business and be successful when I know I cant do it! I cant do it outside that's why I can only do work from home. And when I do work from home, I'm sacrificing so many things. If something were to happen to my son today, no amount of success in business will be good enough or worth it! Seriously! I'm so angry at myself right now!!!


Sigh.


See? My struggle!


bad mommy day!



Thursday, January 9, 2014

Breakfast

One of the things that I fail to do as a mother and wife is putting food on the table for breakfast. Seriously, if there's one thing I am bad at, is breakfast. That's why I always enjoy breakfast buffet in hotels whenever we go for holiday. Having that breakfast spread just makes me feel less guilty and less of a failure.


I really don't know why I just cant do breakfast! I'm just not a morning person. And I don't do breakfast (and sometimes even lunch) unless food is already right in front of my eyes ready for me to eat. Yeap, I'm THAT lazy.


Hubs used to be like me - we don't eat breakfast. But lately, since he started taking vitamins and whatnot in the morning, he said he needs to eat a little bit. So he would just grab a slice of bread, or something like biscuits or something before he takes all his vitamins. With this, lagi lah I feel terrible cuz I don't make him breakfast knowing that he needs to eat breakfast in the morning. I think, out of 7 days, I'll probably make breakfast for him 1 day je kot. (I'm such a bad wife!)
I make him coffee every morning though, that's something, right? (urrmmm...!!)


Yea, I really don't do breakfast (flips hair!)


But I think it's so bad that I don't. I mean, not like it is so difficult to make pun. Or is it?
The thing is, I don't even know what to make for breakfast because I DONT eat breakfast. I mean, if we're in a hotel, during our stay we will have breakfast every single day but how come we cant be bothered to eat when we are at home. Wait! Correction, how come I don't eat breakfast at home? Simple. Cuz I'm lazy.


In hotels normally, hubs will order omelette and toast. Sometimes nasi lemak or nasi goreng and that's pretty much what he will eat. He doesn't eat much for breakfast but he must eat something (before taking his vitamins). But don't tell me I need to make nasi lemak and nasi goreng in the morning? Like, for real??? He doesn't eat all those pancakes with honey and waffles and all those. His breakfast menu is simple, toast, eggs (scramble or omelette or half boiled eggs), nasi lemak or nasi goreng or mee hoon goreng. That's all. Sounds so simple but my god, its so difficult to do in the morning, I swear!


That's hubby's menu.


For the kid's breakfast menu? My God, this is like pulling teeth I swear!


My daughter ONLY eats bread with peanut butter. That is all she will ever eat for breakfast and often, like usual, it is a struggle. She will take out the peanut butter with her fingers from the bread and often will ask for peanut butter on a spoon. After like an hour later or something, because she's probably hungry, she will eat the bread. And I'm like....."Don't you ever get bored of this food everyday?"


We tried giving cereal but she doesn't like it. Sometimes she will eat it but most of the time, she wont. And she doesn't take them with milk. If it is coco crunch, it will be just that on its own. She doesn't take eggs or anything like that. She used to take French toast but lately, she wont unless I force her or something.


And my son....
He eats EVERYTHING we ever give him EXCEPT breakfast. Tried giving bread, he doesn't want it. So normally for breakfast, he will just eat fruits (like strawberries), or cheese or yogurt.


Seriously, I need help. I need big time help to sort out our breakfast problem. I don't mind not having breakfast cuz I'm ok with my 1 cup of Milo for breakfast. I wont be hungry as I'm used to it already. But I think I need to start making breakfast for my family. I need to. Pity them! On a lot of websites, I see a lot of them just serve smoothie for breakfast. Is that enough?


Help! Give me ideas...What do you do for breakfast?

About school

Remember I was stressing about school a few months back? Well, I really was and at the time I wasn't really sure if I wanted to send my daughter to a public school, private school (local syllabus) or an international school.

At the time, I was leaning more towards private school because I don't really see the point of spending so much money to send her to an international school. I mean, not like we plan to live abroad or anything like that so local syllabus is good enough.

But after a lot of reading and after listening to a lot of debates on our local syllabus, I'm really having second thoughts.

I went to visit a few schools around our neighborhood and was happy with an international school. We were impressed with the teachers and I quite like the culture in the school. I want my kids to mix with Malaysians as much as possible. They need to mix around with Malays, Chinese & Indians. I had a Chinese BFF in primary school, Malay BFF in first part of secondary school and Indian BFF in the later part of secondary and if possible I want my kids to experience that too. So good thing about this international school is that the teachers are mostly mat sallehs (with Malaysian teachers too) but the students are mainly normal Malaysians. When I say normal, I mean they're like us. Don't live abroad and don't plan to move abroad, born & raised in Malaysia and basically just like us. Family with little faith in our education system!

I didn't want to send my daughter to an Islamic international school because I want them to mix with people from other background and races and religion too.

So anyways, after searching and searching, we finally found a school that we are comfortable with. The fees is high but not THAT high. Not like Iskl fee or anything like that.

We planned to send her to school in January 2014 but come January, we start having doubts.

Doubts about what?
- is she too young to be in school from 9-3.30pm? A lot of you will probably say no but I'm thinking, why push her so much so fast. Perhaps we can wait till she's 4.

- will we move? If yes, then I don't see the point of sending her to this school only to change to a different school when we move. If we were to move, it will be in town or Bangsar/Mont Kiara area and I don't think I will want to drive all the way to Kajang to send her to this school we found.

- is she really ready for proper school!? She said she is but what if she doesn't want to go anymore after a week? We need to be really sure she will stick to this school.

- can I wake up early to send her to school every morning? Am I ready for this routine or can it wait?

Since we can join the class anytime in the year, we decided to wait a little. She will be in kindy level 2 till sept this year and will be in kindy level 3 from sept 2014 onwards. Year 1 will start in September 2015 for her. So what's the rush?

Also because the fees is high, we need to be sure. Deposit itself is going to be 10-15k so we need to be sure we are ready. Honestly, she's probably more ready than I am.

Although I will appreciate the time when she's in school as I will get to focus on my son, I think we can wait a little bit more.

Now that my maid is leaving, perhaps it will be good to send her to school. I can clean up and whatnot when she's in school. But we'll see.

No rush for now. I hope she's ready for school.
I need to be ready to be committed and strong to ensure she doesn't miss school etc. Haiyo.. Malas jugak!

We'll see .. We'll see

No rush

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Test

It's only the 8th day of the year and I felt like God is still throwing a lot of things at me to test me. Alhamdulillah, so far I can handle it but only He knows how I really feel inside. Sometimes I just feel like screaming and crying. (Drama Queen)


As you know, my maid has decided not to complete her 3rd year contract. She completed 2 years with us last November and asked for us to renew her visa for another year. I still remember the conversations we've had together regarding this and her answer has always been to work longer. The only time she said she wants to go back is for her daughter's graduation which is somewhere this year or next year or something. So of course since we are comfortable with her and all that, we agreed to renew her working visa for another year. That was November. It is only January now. 3 months and how much things have changed.


Now she decided to go back and not complete her 3rd year contract, which is fair enough. I'm not going to force you to work for me if you don't want to. But after 2 years of accommodating to her needs and wants, I think it is not too much to ask to stay until we find a replacement, no? Apparently not. At first she said she will leave in April and today, she dropped another bombshell and said she wants to leave in February. February is 3 weeks away. I need 3 months to get a replacement. 3 months from the date we choose a maid and not 3 months from the day we get in touch with an agency. It might take a few months just to find a candidate. Oh my God. Help me!!!


Here's the thing...I can do this. I know I can manage my household. Obviously not as good if I have to do it all on my own but I don't I can do it. The house wont be super clean, the clothes wont be ironed (I don't do ironing, sorry) but I CAN manage the house. But, I know it will make me feel so tired and then I'll be so angry all the time and then I wont have time to do all the 4 projects I set out to do this year and then I'll feel like a failure. Argh. I'm so upset right now.


I hate being too dependent on someone and this is exactly why! People just let you don't, almost ALL the freaking time!!!


I'm the most loyal person ever. For me to let someone down especially when I know they need me, is like letting myself down! I never ever put my own self first. People always come first, which often pisses my husband off sometimes because I don't know how to say no to people. So when things like this happen, I feel like life is just not fair!!!


Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad that she's leaving. I think I put up with a lot of her antics too. I know she does a lot for us and in the house but trust me, she's not perfect and sometimes, I have to live with her flaws and follow her way of doing things although I strongly disagree. I don't mind that she wants to leave. In fact, I'm glad she wants to leave because I wont have the balls to ask her to leave anyway. Hubs and I had so many conversations about her and how she does things but we keep it to ourselves because we don't want to be too fussy. As long as our kids are not harmed and hurt, then we live with it. Even my agent said it is time for my maid to go because she's become so cocky!


I remember when she first came two years ago, it was "Good Morning Maam" every morning and I think this friendly greeting stopped sometime last year. That couldn't-be-bothered attitude and I-do-what-I-want attitude is what I cant stand. Oh god!! STOP IT!!! I'm just angry and I can come up with so many reasons why she should leave!!


OK, so now the big test is here.


She will be leaving sooner than we anticipated. Which simply means that I will be a maid soon. I was complaining about it to my mum and she said she will help out. Yeah I know she will and she will be happy to spend more time with the kids but it's just so troublesome.


To top that.... Hubby is starting to think that our house now is too big for us. Which probably means, he is itching to move to a smaller place. I loved my old apartment but it was a rented place. We pay a lot for rental and it is not even ours at the end of the day. It took me a long time to get used to this big house and now I've pretty much settled in, hubs is thinking of moving again.


But he does have a point. This house IS too big for us. Maybe more suitable when our kids are teenagers. Getting to work takes hubs about almost 2 hours with traffic. I know its taxing for him. But we cant just pack our bags and move everytime we feel uncomfortable.


You might ask why we moved in the first place. Well, honestly speaking, it was hubs spur of the moment decision. He didn't think much and he just thought it was a great idea to move. Theres so many times when I feel like saying "I told you so!!!" whenever we talk about this but being the good wife that I am, I just keep quiet. That's another thing I learned from watching some religious talks on marriage on YouTube. A good wife will not say those things to her husband.


So many things to learn, so much to do, so many things to achieve and it seems like everything is against me.


This is a test. I know. I pray God will give me strength and pass this with flying colours.


Fingers crossed. Wish me luck.


Someone said to me... "Takde maid, tangan sakit. Ade maid, hati sakit" 24jam sakit!!!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Temper

I've always been a very calm person. Even though my heart gets nervous, I get angry, upset or whatever...on the outside, I've always been pretty calm. I don't really show my true emotions and that can sometimes be translated as being cold and snobbish. But that's just me, I don't show what I feel inside. I hate confrontations and I don't like to fight. When I cry (because of what someone did to me), I will cry alone (or with my best friend) and that's just who I am. I don't like to show my true feelings to people.


All my life, whenever I'm angry or upset with someone, I will bitch about it to someone else and not to the person causing me this anger. I do that to avoid confrontation. No matter how bad it is, I just keep it inside. Before I got married, whenever I had an argument with my boyfriend (my husband), I will ignore his calls/smses for days and sometimes weeks to avoid confrontation and fighting. Now whenever I'm upset with him, I will just not talk to him so much and be extra quiet. That's just me.


That's me with everyone in this world except for my daughter!!


With her, I get so angry so fast lately. Especially now that she knows and understand when it is right and when it is wrong, she knows when I'm angry and when I'm not and she can pretty much be on the same page. But it is when she refuses to listen, I get so angry and I will start raising my voice and scold her. I don't know why I can control my temper with everyone else but her. Whenever I scold her, obviously there will be tears and drama...and of course, after that I will feel bad cuz she's only 3 and half. Although she is pretty matured for her age, she is still a 'baby' and still a child that needs attention from her mother. I don't know what to do to control my temper with her.


When she's behaving well, there's no problem but when she doesn't...my oh my, the monster in me just wouldn't stay inside! I don't know what to do!


Everyday I pray to be a better mom. I pray to be stronger and everyday I want to be the best mom I can possibly be to my children but it is so damn difficult.


One time, I was praying Isyak and she was next to me. I could see from the corner of my eyes that she's playing with the body lotion and that she spilled it all over herself and on the bed. I couldn't focus on my prayers as I felt so angry. Finished my prayers, read my doa and ok, I calmly took the lotion away without saying anything although I felt so angry inside. That's all good but look what happened to my isyak. I couldn't even focus properly. Sigh.


With my son it is a little bit different. I tend to give in because he doesn't get things yet. He is still a baby and half the time he doesn't know and understand what he is doing so I let him off pretty easily.


I don't know. It's tough to be at home with the kids 24 hours without being angry. I need to learn more about controlling my temper, particularly with my daughter. I feel sorry whenever I shout at her. I don't want her to grow up always having to listen to me shouting. That cant be good.


The best part is, after shouting and screaming at her...she always comes back to me for a cuddle. It's almost she doesn't remember the monster few minutes after the monster was in action. Weird huh?
I'm the bad cop in the house but she always comes to be for cuddles. That's the joy of motherhood for me.


So much to learn....

"Me" time

One of the things that I said I wanted to do more this year is to have more "me" time. And I started early. On the 31st December, I had my facial appointment. This appointment was made long time ago as my beautician is always always so busy. I used to be a regular and I would go for my facial more than once a month but I have been postponing my facial for so long.



I've been coming to this place since I was in form 4. Don't ask me why I needed facials at 16 years old but I think my bff introduced me to it and somehow, I became a regular. Over the years, I've tried many places but I always come back to this place simply because I find them to be best for my skin. Although I use other products too such as Dr. Brandt for my eye cream & BB cream, Clinique for my nightcream and occasionally I will use Tabita for cleanser and day cream, I still rely on my Dermalogica for most things.



31st December 2013, I went for my facial and surprisingly, my last appointment/facial was almost a year ago. I didn't think I skipped facial for that long. Oh my! I've been neglecting my skin for that long?? I was all hyped up to go for my "me" time but it was so stressful to get there, I swear! I almost wanted to cancel!



First, hubs was outstation and he said he will be back home by 5pm so that he will look after the kids while I was away but in the end, he got stucked somewhere and couldn't be home on time. Desperate to go for my "me" time, and hubs being supportive of this, we made last minute plan to meet up at mil's house. I could drop the kids off there and he will be there by then. I didn't have much choice so at 5pm, I had to drive all the way to mil's house. It will take me about 30 minutes to get to mil's house and another 20 minutes to get to Bangsar. I will never make it in time for my 5.30pm appointment!



True enough, I was a bit late. I had to drive fast to beat the 5.30pm traffic. I had to be on time because my beautician is very punctual and I don't want to be late for dinner.



The whole time during facial I was busy sms'ing hubs. I wanted to know if we are having any family dinner or not because at the last minute, when I dropped the kids off, he said mil wants to take all of us for new year's eve dinner. During facial, my sil was trying to get us a place but to no avail. Of course not, we're a large group (20 of us) and there's no way we can find a place to accommodate all of us in such short notice.



At 8pm (before they put on my mask) we were still ding-dong'ing whether we will be out for dinner or not. Finally after my facial at 8.30pm, hubs and the kids came to meet me at BSC where we had our little family dinner at Chilli's.



During dinner, we got a message from our neighbour's security guard that their maid heard sounds in our house and they wondered if we were at home. Another big drama as few security guards around the area came to my house to check when we told them we're not home. That new year's eve night was spent pretty much at home. Kids were already asleep by 11pm and hubs and I watched fireworks from our bedroom.


I swear to God my "me" time wasn't very "me" at all. It was filled with drama and although my facial was about 2 half hours, the whole time I was sms'ing hubs and asking if we're going out, where to meet, where's dinner...etc. I didn't get to rest much.


But having said that, my skin felt so good few days after the facial. It was glowing like mad. It made me feel really good again. I realised that no matter how stressful things get and how it is easier to just skip the facial and stay home that day, it is good that I still went for it. I didn't give up like I always do. It's easier to give up my appointments than to fix a schedule for someone to be home with the kids. No matter what, I think it is good that I still went out. Although I wasn't exactly having "me" time, it is still good that I pamper my skin once in a while.


Here's to more facials in 2014.