Kitchenista

Ever since this RMO, I've been spending a lot more time in the kitchen. No one in my household enjoys my cooking so to be honest, long time ago my passion for cooking (if you can call it that!) died.

I started cooking very late. Growing up, I never really had to set foot in the kitchen. My mother, who is a single mom, handled everything on her own. Although I was her only daughter, I offered no help whatsoever. She didn't teach me how to cook. I never had to growing up.

When I was 17, I was sent to UK for college. There, I had to live on my own with 4 other Malaysian girls in this house in Nottingham. I was there for 3 months before I moved into a hostel in Cambridge. That 3 months in Nottingham, my housemates demanded that we each take turns to cook. I didn't even know how to cook rice. They taught me how to make simple things like sambal salmon, curry and most importantly, to cook rice. I was surprisingly pretty good cook too.

When I was living in the hostel, we had a cook. I didn't need to cook. I only started cooking again in University. That 3 years in uni, I cooked whenever I had to for myself. Most of the time, I bought takeaways. Cooking for 1 is a lot of hassle. It is easier, sometimes cheaper to just buy food.

In University and while I was working in UK, I did cook quite a bit. But once I returned to KL for good, I didn't need to cook again. Until, I got married and until I became a mum.

Somehow, I kind of lost the 'touch'. Maybe I am just lazy. My kids are both fussy eaters (maybe because my cooking sucked) and my husband doesn't really enjoy my cooking much. Some days are good while other days I'm sure he wishes I didn't cook. I guess there's not much motivation for me to cook.

Now that I am super bored at home. I am spending more time in the kitchen. I wish I am a better cook. I wish my husband and kids can appreciate the food I put on the table but I guess, they don't.

This week, I tried making Onde onde for the first time. It is a popular kuih especially during Ramadan in our household.  It can't be that difficult to make because I remember doing it in Kemahiran Hidup class in form 2. So I drove to 4 different locations around my house to look for ingredients. Who would have thought it will be so difficult to look for flour and grated coconut this RMO?

Tadaaaaa.....

It looks pretty good doesn't it?

Taste? Well, lets just say I am not ready to share it with people yet. Made with love

Learning to love the scarf

Wearing the hijab was never part of my plan. I know it sounded very non-muslim of me but to be honest, I never thought about it. I saw many friends slowly wearing it as we got older but it didn't make me want to cover myself up in any way at all. I just chose to ignore it. I dress moderately anyway so to me, as long as I do that, it is enough.

It is an obligation but yet, I chose to conveniently ignore it. My excuse was always "I am not ready".

Will you ever be ready??

My mum started wearing the hijab after returning from Umrah at the age of 60. I am only 40. I still have 20 years to go if I wanted to follow her footsteps.

I started purchasing various types of tudungs back in 2015. No intentions to wear it but more because they look nice. Peer pressure or social media pressure or whatever it was. When DUCK started, I did spend quite a bit on their scarves. I bought some limited edition ones too. Whatever for? Just because! I wouldn't say I have a huge collection of tudungs but for someone who doesn't even wear one, I had more than enough. I just chose prints that I liked and got it.

When we were leaving for Umrah, one of my biggest fear was to wear it all the time. Still, I had no clue what designs or styles would suit me. For umrah, I purchased those long khimars simply because it isn't for fashion, it is for prayers. I bought a few to wear for my trip, mostly plain black or white.

Few days before my trip, I tried looking for hijab from the tiny collection that I already have but Duck scarves mostly isn't suitable for me. I just didn't know how to style it properly. Styling or finding a style that suits you takes time I guess but none of my Duck scarves were suitable for me. What a waste of money! I ended up purchasing a few more tudungs that I can wear during leisure time in Makkah. Mostly those square ones. Nothing fancy but very practical.

The first time I wore the hijab was on the 25 February 2020 when I left for Umrah. Somehow, it was very easy. I guess going for Umrah, I wasn't really concerned about looking good or styling much. It was easy for me. I left KL with no intentions whatsoever of coming back different. Again, I chose to ignore and wanted to deal with it when I come back. No plans on wearing a hijab once I am back in KL. Many of my friends took off their scarves as soon as they land KL. I figured I will be one of those for sure. I am not ready, I said to myself!!

While I was there, I did all I needed to do. Most of the time feeling like I was not worthy. I wasn't expecting to enjoy it as much as I did. One day, my mom texted me and said that she prays that when I come back, I will not take off my hijab.

That statement somehow annoyed me to the core. I was in Makkah and when my mum said that, I was angry that she expects me to keep it on when I come back. That is a huge deal! I said many times I am not ready and don't put pressure on me!!!

I wanted to go to Umrah to experience it. I did not plan to change or to come back wearing hijab. I know some things in life can be improved. I could be a bit more religious and be a better person but no one said anything about me wearing hijab when I come back. I am not ready!!! I was annoyed thinking that is what was expected of me. My mom said that on our family group chat and when my cousin saw the chat, she PM'ed me and said to take my time and I "shouldn't take it too seriously. When the time is right, Allah will ease your journey". Well, that made me feel better but I can't help feeling like I will let my mum (and possibly all my aunts in that chat group) down.

Still stubborn I just ignored it.

I prayed for Allah to just show me to right path. Ease my journey, whatever it is.

When I got home to KL, we were in self isolation due to the Covid-19. Not because we had symptoms but because we might have been exposed to someone with Covid-19 in Makkah or on the plane. We decided that we should self quarantine ourselves for 14 days. I also had mild cough. My kids and everyone else was fine. For 2 weeks, I didn't need to go out. I still had time to decide if I was going to keep my hijab on or off. Then Malaysia announced the Restriction Movement Order or the PKP. We couldn't go out.

I had to go out to go to Supermarket one day, still wasn't sure what I was going to do. But I grabbed my hijab and for the first time I walked out of my house to the supermarket donning my scarf. I've been wearing it ever since. You can say the day I started my 'hijrah' was on the 25 February 2020 when I left for Makkah and I never took it off since.

How do I feel about it?

Well, to be honest, it felt natural. It wasn't forced. My husband didn't ask me to wear it. My mum had expectations, yes, but although it annoyed me when she said it, it also made me think about it more. I always chose to ignore it but this time, I thought about it and I am ready.

I did not discuss this with anyone except for a few close friends and I am so grateful because they're supportive. My best friend, who is a non muslim was so supportive it made me cry. Growing up, she used to say that she will unfriend me when I wear tudung. Of course she was joking but that was what she used to say to me and we'd laugh about it but the minute I told her about it, she was so supportive.  She even sent me photos of hijab styles that would suit me.

Whats my take from all this?

I don't believe that this is my 'natural' action. I believe Allah has guided me to this path, which is the right path. Something I prayed for constantly in Makkah.

I believe my prayers were answered. I prayed for Allah to ease this journey and he absolutely did!! Who would have thought Covid fever will be happening at this point in life? This RMO has made this journey of donning the hijab easier for me.

How is it easier? Well, we can only go out to supermarkets now, I can slowly take my time to practice being out wearing one. I have time to experiment with the styles that suits me.  If Covid didn't happen, I would have had to do school runs in tudung, I would have to meet friends for lunch in tudung, I would have to do all that in tudung when I am not prepared. Now, I have time... time to get used to wearing it. I have time to learn to love the scarf. Slowly but surely I am.

There's still a lot I need to do. For one, I need more scarves and inners and all that. Two, I need to revamp my wardrobe. I just realise I don't have enough long sleeves tops! Now, I have time to slowly explore and try which styles suits me. I still find it difficult to style.

Someone said I looked like Doraemon in Tudung. I need to change that. LOL. I don't want to look like Doraemon!

So ya, now is time for me to learn to love the scarf. Some days I look at old photos and miss my hair but everytime I'm out (to supermarket), I feel like I am loving my scarf more and more. Funny how things can change. Amazing how Allah can just change your heart in a second! That's definitely what happened to me.

InsyaAllah I will keep it on. I always said when I finally make that jump, I won't look back. I am not going to be a chipsmore hijabi. That's not me. My best friend also told me not to be one. I'm ready. I really am.


Alhamdulillah

A different kind of Ramadhan

When I think of the year 2020, I always remember thinking about "Vision 2020" or "Wawasan 2020" as it was heavily introduced by our ex PM (Tun Mahathir). I imagined it to be very different from the world we are in today. I am one of those who was expecting Robots to take over the world and flying cars in year 2020 but instead, today, we are preached about washing our hands. No robots no flying cars in sight.

That just shows that we can plan all we want, but Allah is the best planner. This year 2020 is NOTHING like anything anyone had ever imagined it to be.

I was in Makkah in February 2020 and even then, despite the Covid-19 already happening in Wuhan, I could not have imagined that Malaysia (and the world) would end up being in lockdown few weeks later. I was secretly hoping we'd be able to go back to Makkah for Ramadhan. I thought if we had extra rezeki (money), maybe we can still come and celebrate Ramadan in Makkah but no, right now, even with all the money in the world, you cannot be in Makkah for Ramadhan. Instead, the cleaners, people with absolutely nothing, is granted the privilege to have Makkah all to themselves this Ramadhan. How absolutely amazing is that? MasyaAllah. 

This year, our Malaysian Government has decided to extend the Restriction Movement Order (RMO) until 12 May 2020. It will be a different kind of Ramadhan for all of us. No bazaar Ramadhan, no terawikh at the mosque, no buka puasa buffet at the 5 star hotel. Instead, we will all be home, having quality time with our closest family. Sometimes, if you look at it in a different light, that is more beautiful and meaningful. Allah knows best.

I would like to wish all my muslim brothers and sisters a blessed Ramadhan. May Allah accept our puasa and deeds this year and protect us all during this trying time. 

Online classes

School is back in session and since we are still on our RMO (Restricted Movement Order) @ PKP (Perintah Kawalan Pergerakan), school has moved everything online. One part of me is happy while the other part of me isn't about this whole new arrangement.

While I appreciate teachers efforts to continue their lessons online, I am skeptical about its effectiveness. My children are 8 and 10 years old. Some kids that age are super independent and can sort themselves out but my kids aren't. Well, maybe if I'm not around, they will do better. I don't know.

The first time we had these zoom classes, everyone (including myself) was really excited and hopeful. At that time, my kids was missing their friends a lot and seeing them online was as good as it can get given the situation we are in right now. It was hard for teachers to control the class as everyone wanted to talk at the same time.

We had about 2 weeks break after that and yesterday, we resumed our online classes after the second term break.

By 11am, I was dead tired.

Tired from being an unpaid IT Support staff. First there was that ID issues (some was working and some wasn't!). Next it was password issues (some were confusing some were wrong all together). Then there was connection issues (wifi has mind of its own!). Soon there was power issues (battery went flat way too fast). Oh dear God. HELP ME!!!

All that aside, I wonder if this whole thing is even effective learning. Half the time I find my kids daydreaming. Well, maybe they're like that in class too. When I don't see it, I don't know. (I don't care?)

Tell me, do you find this learning approach effective? I know we can't have face-to-face learning right now and this is the best we can get. I do understand that.

On another note, is it fair for schools to charge parents full fees for this new learning approach? Our school has decided to give us a 10% discount for this term's fees. Initially I was happy with that but after the stress I went through just 1 day yesterday, I am starting to feel like we could do with more discounts!!! Parents have a lot more on their plate right now and this is definitely not what I signed up for.

(I need a cake to calm me down)

We struggle

No matter what your social status is, I'm sure you are struggling too. We are all in the same boat. Agree?

We are now in Day 34 of our Restricted Movement Order (RMO)  / Perintah Kawalan Pergerakan (PKP) in Malaysia. Wow. It has been over a month already? How time flies. I can't believe we've been stuck at home for that long. To everyone else, it is Day 34 but for us, it has been longer that that actually. After we came back from Makkah on the 5th March, we decided to self quarantine. My kids haven't been out of the house since we came back from Makkah. I've only been to the supermarket since Makkah too.

Are we surviving well? Alhamdullilah we are. We are very grateful we have a comfortable place we call home and always have food on the table. Sometimes, it seems unfair that we have too much food when others are struggling to eat. I feel guilty sometimes. But God is ALWAYS fair. There must be something that we lack that those people have. I am sure of that.

Yes we are surviving. But are we struggling? Yes we are. Like I said, we all are. Whether you are rich or poor, we all struggle in some way or another. Maybe not the same kind but trust me, it hasn't been easy too.

I try my best to help with whatever I have. If you have the means and the money to share, please do. Now is the best time to share whatever you have. If you are struggling and don't have enough to help or donate, there are other means to share. Share a smile. Share a prayer. That is sharing too and you will be rewarded for it.

There are so many causes and charities that you can help and support. Do help out.

We need all the help we can get at these trying times. If you know a charity or a cause that needs help, do share it here. Let's do our part!

Crash Landing on you

Don't tell me you haven't watched this Korean drama! It has been buzzing with excellent reviews for months now. If you are still not in love with Captain Ri, you are missing out!

It is about a love story between a South Korean heiress with a hot military hunk from North Korea. I love it that it is light, funny, beautiful characters and just such an enjoyable watch. It does help that Captain Ri (played by HyunBin) is adorable and such a hunk in this drama.

I guess most of you have already seen it already. I'm going to list down some of my favourite moments in the drama. Since it ended (back in February, I think) I've watched it again (and again) many times.

WARNING: This contains spoilers

1. She was returning to South Korea and decided to give each of the comrades and award. Everyone got an award except Captain Ri. He was not happy he didn't get any but she had a special one for him. A plant. How sweet!

2. She went missing and he got a scented candle and looked for her. He found her. The walk back to the house was funny. He told her he has a woman in his life and she got jealous. It was very cute.

3. Their train ride to Pyongyang was super romantic and funny. The trip to Pyongyang was to take photo of her for the passport. She asked to take a photo together but he didn't want to. But in the end, he secretly asked the cameraman for an extra photo of her for him to keep. Awwww...

4. Their date in Pyongyang is very romantic. I think it was their first "date" together. I think this was the first time they had a nice time together. I love his look. He was her "bodyguard" and protected her.  How romantic

5. I love the part when she was kidnapped and how he stood up for her in front of his dad. He is so macho! I also love how sweet his mom was to her. She slept in his room and played piano the whole time because she couldn't sleep and how she looked at his old baby photos and said he must be a child actor because he looked so cute.

to be continued.........

Journey to Makkah

I've been very fortunate that I get to travel a lot. I've been to a lot of places in my life. We travel a lot as a family and sometimes we keep going to the same places again and again. Like London. Somehow we keep going back.

Makkah has never really been on my list. I am ashamed to say this but truth is, it never really was. I guess if you asked me, I would probably name a dozen of places I would want to go and Makkah is not on that list. Why? I don't know.For one,  I've never been a religious person. I believe in my religion and don't doubt it but I was never religious. 2 years ago, my husband started his spiritual journey. He went to Makkah and came back with a totally different perspective. He loved it there and kept saying that he wants to take all of us there. Each time he talks about Makkah, I felt guilty. Guilty that I don't have that much enthusiasm as him. He lights up whenever he talks about how wonderful Makkah is and how amazing his experience was but sadly, I did not share that enthusiasm. I really felt ashamed. I acknowledged that he had an amazing time but somehow it wasn't enough to make me want to go there, if you know what I mean. 

These stories kept going on for almost 2 years until one day, slowly but surely, I became more and more interested to go. I don't remember what or how that happened but slowly, I started purchasing hijabs for Umrah. (Not those duckscarves type of hijabs but more of those long covered ones - I think they are called Kimar). They're not exactly the most flattering, but soon I find myself purchasing more and more of it, secretly.

It was not until the last minute that we confirmed our trip to Makkah. I think it was 2 weeks to the date and we haven't done any preparations for it. We decided to take our maid along with us and I had to make sure she had all the right clothes and whatnot for it too. 

Preparing myself and my kids mentality is important too. I needed to make sure that my kids know this is not a typical "holiday". I want them to get excited too. Everyday we try to have a conversation about it and Alhamdulillah, they were looking forward to it as much as we did.

My husband did all the planning for the trip with zero input from me. This doesn't happen for any other holiday or trips as I will always be in charge of logistics but for this trip, since he has the experience, he organised everything. We did not go the usual route by just signing up with a package with an agency. He customised the trip according to his preference and what would suit us the most.

Few weeks before my trip, when we finally confirmed the dates and itinerary, everyone who knew about us going for Umrah started reaching out to me. Many offered tips, advice and shared stories with me about their trip as it was going to be my first time. To be honest, at this point, I have zero expectations of how it is going to be and reading about it doesn't give me much input. Listening to stories helped me get some kind of idea about how it is going to be.

A friend of mine, who is a school mom asked to meet up for lunch. I met her one day and she gave me lots of books to read and some other items like a mini sejadah and socks for me to wear in Makkah. MasyaAllah, I was so touched. I wasn't expecting anything from anyone let alone a school mom whom I hardly see and meet. Another friend gave me telekung. I got calls and texts from friends wishing me well and telling me how great a time I will have in Makkah. All this is so surreal for me. I still didn't understand why they are so excited for me.

My mum was most excited. She literally bought me my whole Makkah wardrobe. She got me every single tudung, kimar, gloves, socks everything I needed, she got it for me. She said Allah answered her prayers and she was so happy that I will be going there. The only thing I bought for myself was a telekung, 1 jubah and a few tudungs. The rest was gifts from friends and mostly from my mum. How blessed was I?

Despite all the books that I have read about Makkah and Umrah, I still felt like I wasn't ready. I still felt like I am not worthy of going. I still feel clueless. I bought this book for my kids "We are off to make Umrah" from Imaan Kids and surprisingly, that book helped me understand the process the most. It helped the kids understand as it comes with a poster and paper dolls to enact the process of performing Umrah in the simplest way.

We also had our Mutawif to come over to the house and give us a short session too which was really useful. Alhamdulillah, we are all set to go.

One thing I learned was, one shouldn't be scared to go to Makkah. I know I was. We are all sinners and can't run away from that. That should stop you from performing Umrah. Many stories will tell you about the 'punishment' one might get when you are there but you shouldn't be scared. Allah is the most forgiving. As long as you want to be better, as long as you are ikhlas in your intentions, InsyaAllah, it will all be OK. I think this was one reason why I wasn't too keen about going to Makkah at first. I was worried about how I would be when I'm there. People keep stressing about these challenges that you might face there but they don't tell you enough about the beautiful things that you will experience. I think when you are visiting a holy place, you should focus on the beautiful things and just stay positive.

InsyaAllah, it will be a life changing experience. 

I'm back

We are on Day 27 of the Restriction Movement Order (RMO) and I've decided to start blogging again. I need an outlet to express my thoughts. No better place than my own blog. I don't think anyone will be reading as I've left this blog for far too long. Life takes you on a journey sometimes without a pause button. I've been busy and didn't think blogging is relevant anymore. I still don't, but I need an outlet and so here I am...

I've been wanting to blog about my journey to Makkah as it was such a humbling, most amazing experience I've ever had but I haven't had the time. I really should do it soon because I don't want to forget anything about it.

So far, RMO has been good. Apart from driving each other absolutely nuts, cooking 24 hours a day, being on Netflix all day long, we are surviving well. Being at home, with people I love is not too bad but it saddens me that I can't be with my family (mainly my mum and brothers) during this difficult time as we grieve for my Tokmi. I wish I have that luxury to just go over to my mum's place and be with her but unfortunately, we are not able to at this point in time. But we make the best out of what we have. Thank God for WhatsApp video calls.

Do share with me if you are reading this blog. It would be good to reconnect and share experiences during this difficult time.

Take care and stay safe!

Lessons from lockdown

I wonder if this pandemic that we are currently facing will change us. To me, I describe this as the 'modern day war'. I remember my arwah Tokmi telling us stories about World War 2 and I wonder if this is the same for us. She described it as a scary phase where they would often feel scared to even step out of their homes. Kind of like what we are facing right now, isn't it?

I wonder what would this lesson be for us. Will we learn anything from this? Will this change us in any way or are we going to go back to how things were? Is life going to go back to normal or will this experience change us?

This is my take from this experience:

1. Never take things for granted

2. Always count your blessings

3. There is always someone less fortunate that you can help

4. Take care of your health. Health is indeed wealth

5. Life is so precious & short. Live it to the fullest

Take care and stay safe everyone.

The New Normal

Our Prime Minister made another announcement today to extend the Restriction Movement Order (RMO) until 28 April 2020. This is our new normal. Like it or not.

I have lost count of days but somehow this does feel like the new normal. If the RMO wasn't extended, I'm not sure if I would be brave enough to send my kids to school so I guess, the PM made a good call.

Today, Malaysia recorded a total of 118 confirmed new cases and 222 recovered. This is good news as the number of recovered patients continue to grow. If we keep this up, we will have a chance to fight this disease. So please, Malaysians, stay at home.

When I talk about the new normal, personally, I am going through my own "new normal". Life without my Tokmi is my new normal. It has been 5 days since she passed. It is still pretty raw. Some days I am totally find and then the next minute I will break down and cry. I cry when it starts raining (it has been raining every single day too!), I cry when it gets dark, I cry when I have bad dreams, I cry when I can't go to sleep. I know this sounds like I've been doing a lot of crying but truth is, I am OK. I am comforted by the fact that my Tokmi has returned to her Creator. She is no longer suffering and I believe that she is in a better place. In Sha Allah.

For my family, the new normal is also living without the glue of our family. It is tough especially for my mother. She said she couldn't sleep at night and couldnt even walk to my grandma's room. We all have regrets. It's just hard living with the fact that we will never see her again.

This new normal sucks!

But as sucky as it may be, we must always remember to be grateful. Alhamdulillah for all the blessings. Alhamdulillah my Tokmi's funeral (as simple as it was) went well and smoothly. Alhamdulillah we are all safe at home. Comfortable. We all have enough food. We are all healthy.
We must remember that there are so many people out there who is not so fortunate. Some lost jobs. Some have no money to buy food. Some are sick. Some have to work and risk their lives to save others. We? We just need to be home.

Sounds unfair sometimes.

So give back as much as you can. Now isn't the time to think about making money. Help others as much as you can. Donate as much as you can. Trust Allah, it will all come back to you somehow.
I believe this. I truly do.

To our frontliners and those who needs to work to make our lives at home easier, THANK YOU.
We can't possibly do what you all do. May God bless you for all that you do.

To fellow Malaysians, please stay home. Be safe and take care of one another. This is the new normal. We can beat this together

Innalillahiwainnailaihirojiun

photo credit: A Medium Corporation

6 April 2020

Today is my youngest brother’s birthday. He turned 36 today and I can promise you, it is the saddest birthday he has ever had.

My beloved grandma (Tokmi), who would have been 90 this October passed away early yesterday morning. It is the first death of a close family member for me and I can tell you, the pain is almost unbearable for us. She was our rock. She was the glue that glued us together. We don’t know how to function without her.

Arwah Tokmi was a super strong lady. If you were lucky enough to know her, you would be in love with her forever. She’s the most gentle soul but don’t be fooled by her calm demeanor. She’s strong as a rock!

Arwah Tokbah left her when my uncles and aunts were still in school. My mom is the eldest and she had to work to help support the family. Tokmi struggled to make it work but she did it. She had a successful catering business and cooking was her passion. She was a great cook, if not the greatest!

She was just the sweetest grandma anyone can ever ask for. I cannot pick and choose stories to describe our relationship but rest assured we had plenty. She’s just the best. I am always and forever her favourite granddaughter (even if I have to say so myself). I was the first grandchild and the only granddaughter for a long time so to me, I take that as I’m the special one. But truth is, all her grandchildren are special to her and we all feel like we are her favourite. She was awesome to each and every one of her 16 grandchildren. We will all miss her so much. Words just cannot describe how much pain we feel inside.

In 2007, we had the first scare. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer. She was 77 years old. I remember I got the news when I was in Langkawi. I couldn’t function, I had to fly back. I did just in time for her surgery and spent few nights in the hospital with her. Alhamdulillah they managed to remove the cancer and no further treatment was needed. She recovered very well. Allah gave us more time with her. 

Almost 10 years later, we had another scare. This time, she was diagnosed with skin cancer. Again, they managed to remove it and no further treatment was necessary. Alhamdulillah it all went well without any complications. Other than that, she’s healthier than most people her age. She didn’t have any other illnesses and therefore surgeries for both cancer went well. 

Few years ago, we noticed that she has mild symptoms of dementia. It was really tough to manage her because dementia made her personality change quite drastically. I see my grandma slipping away. It hurt so much when she couldn’t remember who I was. But yet I was still happy to see her and although she had no clue who I was, every time I came to see her, her eyes light up and wouldn’t let me go home. She would ask me who I was repeatedly but yet she won’t let go my hands. 

Her condition deteriorated quite bad quite fast. Soon, she couldn’t even talk as normal. Making a complete sentence seems difficult and sometimes, sentences don't make sense anymore. She couldn't tell when she was hungry, she couldn't say when she was sleepy, she couldn't express herself anymore. It was heartbreaking to see someone you love getting to that stage. I always pray for Allah to ease her journey. Though she is not in any pain, seeing her being pretty much lifeless breaks our heart. She couldn’t say what she wanted. We couldn’t understand her.

Few months back, her health has deteriorated even more. She had some internal bleeding and had multiple small strokes. It isn’t looking good at all but she kept fighting to live. After a few trips to the hospital she was back home and she got better. One time I thought we had lost her but she came back stronger. I guess her time was not up yet. She was not giving up despite how tough things were. 

Few days before I went to Mekah, I went to visit her to say goodbye. She couldn’t speak and sentences don’t make sense but when I said "Assalamualaikum", she would answer "Walaikumsalam". It was very clear unlike the other words she utters. I would say it many times and she would reply back every single time. It was the only way I know how to get a response from her and although we couldn’t say much to each other, having her reply to my salam felt more than enough. She was no longer feeding using the tube like she had to few months prior to that so in a way, I was glad to see her getting to eat like normal.

In Mekah, she was constantly in my prayers. I asked Allah to protect her and if her duties in this world is over, please take her the best possible way and the easiest way. Make her comfortable and for Allah to give strength to all the people taking care of her at home. It isn’t easy to care for a 90 year old.

On the 5th April 2020, few months short of her 90th birthday, my beloved Tokmi passed away peacefully in Putrajaya Hospital. I am happy I got to see her and kissed her for the last time. I am happy I got to tell her I loved her dearly that day before she passed. Although she was already in a coma, I know she could hear me. It broke my heart, crushed my world but I trust Allah is the best planner. Al-Fatihah. 

May Allah forgive all her sins, magnify her rewards and make her resting place better than her place in this world. We love you Tokmi. Thank you for being the best grandma I could ever ask for. I hope that I made you proud. I hope I made you happy but most importantly I hope you always feel loved by me. I do Tokmi. I love you so much. May we see each other again soon. Al- fatihah

I will miss you forever Tokmi.... 

Sariffa Anon
30 Oct 1930 - 5 April 2020

Malaysia #StayAtHome

Few months ago (December 2019), there was a high number of unknown pneumonia detected in Wuhan, China. The numbers were so high that it got the world, in particular in China concerned. At that time, the world weren't too concerned just yet, especially here in Malaysia. Life went on as usual and everyone was traveling all over the world as if nothing happened. Fast forward 3 months later, Malaysia recorded 1030 confirmed cases of this new disease called the Covid-19 and 3 deaths (as of 20/3/2020) and the numbers are rising. 

On the 18th March, the Malaysia government decided on a Restricted Movement Order until 31st March 2020. Suddenly, it all seems to be so surreal. Is this really happening?

To all Malaysians, please stay at home. It might not sound serious to some but this is serious. It is sad to see that some aren't taking this seriously but we are all in this together. We need to help the government especially MOH to put a stop to pandemic.

Update 1: As of today 4 April 2020, Malaysia has recorded a total of 3333 confirmed cases of Covid-19 and a whopping 53 number of deaths. The government has also extended the restriction movement order until 14 April 2020. I suspect it will be extended longer as we are expecting a peak in the middle of April. Let us join hands and do our part in fighting this war against Covid-19.

Update 2: As of today 12 April 2020, Malaysia has recorded a total of 4683 confirmed cases of Covid-19 and 76 number of deaths. The government has again extended the restriction movement from 15 April 2020 until 28 April 2020.

Update 3: As of today 25 April 2020, Malaysia has again extended the RMO until 12 May 2020. 5691 confirmed cases with 3363 of them has recovered. The number of deaths is now 96.

May Allah bless us all.