Learning to love the scarf

Wearing the hijab was never part of my plan. I know it sounded very non-muslim of me but to be honest, I never thought about it. I saw many friends slowly wearing it as we got older but it didn't make me want to cover myself up in any way at all. I just chose to ignore it. I dress moderately anyway so to me, as long as I do that, it is enough.

It is an obligation but yet, I chose to conveniently ignore it. My excuse was always "I am not ready".

Will you ever be ready??

My mum started wearing the hijab after returning from Umrah at the age of 60. I am only 40. I still have 20 years to go if I wanted to follow her footsteps.

I started purchasing various types of tudungs back in 2015. No intentions to wear it but more because they look nice. Peer pressure or social media pressure or whatever it was. When DUCK started, I did spend quite a bit on their scarves. I bought some limited edition ones too. Whatever for? Just because! I wouldn't say I have a huge collection of tudungs but for someone who doesn't even wear one, I had more than enough. I just chose prints that I liked and got it.

When we were leaving for Umrah, one of my biggest fear was to wear it all the time. Still, I had no clue what designs or styles would suit me. For umrah, I purchased those long khimars simply because it isn't for fashion, it is for prayers. I bought a few to wear for my trip, mostly plain black or white.

Few days before my trip, I tried looking for hijab from the tiny collection that I already have but Duck scarves mostly isn't suitable for me. I just didn't know how to style it properly. Styling or finding a style that suits you takes time I guess but none of my Duck scarves were suitable for me. What a waste of money! I ended up purchasing a few more tudungs that I can wear during leisure time in Makkah. Mostly those square ones. Nothing fancy but very practical.

The first time I wore the hijab was on the 25 February 2020 when I left for Umrah. Somehow, it was very easy. I guess going for Umrah, I wasn't really concerned about looking good or styling much. It was easy for me. I left KL with no intentions whatsoever of coming back different. Again, I chose to ignore and wanted to deal with it when I come back. No plans on wearing a hijab once I am back in KL. Many of my friends took off their scarves as soon as they land KL. I figured I will be one of those for sure. I am not ready, I said to myself!!

While I was there, I did all I needed to do. Most of the time feeling like I was not worthy. I wasn't expecting to enjoy it as much as I did. One day, my mom texted me and said that she prays that when I come back, I will not take off my hijab.

That statement somehow annoyed me to the core. I was in Makkah and when my mum said that, I was angry that she expects me to keep it on when I come back. That is a huge deal! I said many times I am not ready and don't put pressure on me!!!

I wanted to go to Umrah to experience it. I did not plan to change or to come back wearing hijab. I know some things in life can be improved. I could be a bit more religious and be a better person but no one said anything about me wearing hijab when I come back. I am not ready!!! I was annoyed thinking that is what was expected of me. My mom said that on our family group chat and when my cousin saw the chat, she PM'ed me and said to take my time and I "shouldn't take it too seriously. When the time is right, Allah will ease your journey". Well, that made me feel better but I can't help feeling like I will let my mum (and possibly all my aunts in that chat group) down.

Still stubborn I just ignored it.

I prayed for Allah to just show me to right path. Ease my journey, whatever it is.

When I got home to KL, we were in self isolation due to the Covid-19. Not because we had symptoms but because we might have been exposed to someone with Covid-19 in Makkah or on the plane. We decided that we should self quarantine ourselves for 14 days. I also had mild cough. My kids and everyone else was fine. For 2 weeks, I didn't need to go out. I still had time to decide if I was going to keep my hijab on or off. Then Malaysia announced the Restriction Movement Order or the PKP. We couldn't go out.

I had to go out to go to Supermarket one day, still wasn't sure what I was going to do. But I grabbed my hijab and for the first time I walked out of my house to the supermarket donning my scarf. I've been wearing it ever since. You can say the day I started my 'hijrah' was on the 25 February 2020 when I left for Makkah and I never took it off since.

How do I feel about it?

Well, to be honest, it felt natural. It wasn't forced. My husband didn't ask me to wear it. My mum had expectations, yes, but although it annoyed me when she said it, it also made me think about it more. I always chose to ignore it but this time, I thought about it and I am ready.

I did not discuss this with anyone except for a few close friends and I am so grateful because they're supportive. My best friend, who is a non muslim was so supportive it made me cry. Growing up, she used to say that she will unfriend me when I wear tudung. Of course she was joking but that was what she used to say to me and we'd laugh about it but the minute I told her about it, she was so supportive.  She even sent me photos of hijab styles that would suit me.

Whats my take from all this?

I don't believe that this is my 'natural' action. I believe Allah has guided me to this path, which is the right path. Something I prayed for constantly in Makkah.

I believe my prayers were answered. I prayed for Allah to ease this journey and he absolutely did!! Who would have thought Covid fever will be happening at this point in life? This RMO has made this journey of donning the hijab easier for me.

How is it easier? Well, we can only go out to supermarkets now, I can slowly take my time to practice being out wearing one. I have time to experiment with the styles that suits me.  If Covid didn't happen, I would have had to do school runs in tudung, I would have to meet friends for lunch in tudung, I would have to do all that in tudung when I am not prepared. Now, I have time... time to get used to wearing it. I have time to learn to love the scarf. Slowly but surely I am.

There's still a lot I need to do. For one, I need more scarves and inners and all that. Two, I need to revamp my wardrobe. I just realise I don't have enough long sleeves tops! Now, I have time to slowly explore and try which styles suits me. I still find it difficult to style.

Someone said I looked like Doraemon in Tudung. I need to change that. LOL. I don't want to look like Doraemon!

So ya, now is time for me to learn to love the scarf. Some days I look at old photos and miss my hair but everytime I'm out (to supermarket), I feel like I am loving my scarf more and more. Funny how things can change. Amazing how Allah can just change your heart in a second! That's definitely what happened to me.

InsyaAllah I will keep it on. I always said when I finally make that jump, I won't look back. I am not going to be a chipsmore hijabi. That's not me. My best friend also told me not to be one. I'm ready. I really am.


Alhamdulillah