Missing her is so painful

My Tokmi loves flowers

Grieve is funny. Sometimes I'm totally ok and sometimes I find myself crying thinking about the loss. I miss her so much. I don't like to live my life with regrets. I refuse to think "I wish I had visited her more" or "I wish I had spent more time" or "I wish I had called her up more". Of course I do and no matter how much time I spent with her when she was around, I could have done more. So I refuse to say I have regrets when it comes to her.

But I do miss her dearly. I miss just having her around. Even though the last 5 years of her life she was already not her usual self, I still wish she was here. My only consolation is when I think she is not suffering anymore. My late grandma had Dementia and although she was not in any physical pain (alhamdulillah), living with Dementia was a struggle for her.

God gave me 40 years of my life having a grandmother. How lucky was I? 40 years is a long time. I am so blessed I can't even imagine. But ya, I miss her. I miss her so much.

I miss how she would answer me whenever I announce to the family that I am her favourite grandchild. I miss how she would just agree with me when I say that although we all know, she doesn't have a favourite because she loved us all equally.

I miss how she would twist her answers whenever she doesn't know how to reply to the question.

I miss her saying "wherever you go, my heart goes with you" and it will make all of us laugh.

I miss her calling everyone "sayang"

I miss her face whenever I said I'm going home.

I miss her asking to carry every baby in the house (although she is not strong enough to hold a baby)

I miss her asking everyone to eat

I miss her answering my salam

I miss kissing and hugging her

Ya Allah, please take care of my Tokmi. Forgive all her sins and please put her among the righteous. Have mercy on her Ya Allah. Expand her grave and grant her the highest rank of Jannah.

Alfatihah