Journey to Makkah

I've been very fortunate that I get to travel a lot. I've been to a lot of places in my life. We travel a lot as a family and sometimes we keep going to the same places again and again. Like London. Somehow we keep going back.

Makkah has never really been on my list. I am ashamed to say this but truth is, it never really was. I guess if you asked me, I would probably name a dozen of places I would want to go and Makkah is not on that list. Why? I don't know.For one,  I've never been a religious person. I believe in my religion and don't doubt it but I was never religious. 2 years ago, my husband started his spiritual journey. He went to Makkah and came back with a totally different perspective. He loved it there and kept saying that he wants to take all of us there. Each time he talks about Makkah, I felt guilty. Guilty that I don't have that much enthusiasm as him. He lights up whenever he talks about how wonderful Makkah is and how amazing his experience was but sadly, I did not share that enthusiasm. I really felt ashamed. I acknowledged that he had an amazing time but somehow it wasn't enough to make me want to go there, if you know what I mean. 

These stories kept going on for almost 2 years until one day, slowly but surely, I became more and more interested to go. I don't remember what or how that happened but slowly, I started purchasing hijabs for Umrah. (Not those duckscarves type of hijabs but more of those long covered ones - I think they are called Kimar). They're not exactly the most flattering, but soon I find myself purchasing more and more of it, secretly.

It was not until the last minute that we confirmed our trip to Makkah. I think it was 2 weeks to the date and we haven't done any preparations for it. We decided to take our maid along with us and I had to make sure she had all the right clothes and whatnot for it too. 

Preparing myself and my kids mentality is important too. I needed to make sure that my kids know this is not a typical "holiday". I want them to get excited too. Everyday we try to have a conversation about it and Alhamdulillah, they were looking forward to it as much as we did.

My husband did all the planning for the trip with zero input from me. This doesn't happen for any other holiday or trips as I will always be in charge of logistics but for this trip, since he has the experience, he organised everything. We did not go the usual route by just signing up with a package with an agency. He customised the trip according to his preference and what would suit us the most.

Few weeks before my trip, when we finally confirmed the dates and itinerary, everyone who knew about us going for Umrah started reaching out to me. Many offered tips, advice and shared stories with me about their trip as it was going to be my first time. To be honest, at this point, I have zero expectations of how it is going to be and reading about it doesn't give me much input. Listening to stories helped me get some kind of idea about how it is going to be.

A friend of mine, who is a school mom asked to meet up for lunch. I met her one day and she gave me lots of books to read and some other items like a mini sejadah and socks for me to wear in Makkah. MasyaAllah, I was so touched. I wasn't expecting anything from anyone let alone a school mom whom I hardly see and meet. Another friend gave me telekung. I got calls and texts from friends wishing me well and telling me how great a time I will have in Makkah. All this is so surreal for me. I still didn't understand why they are so excited for me.

My mum was most excited. She literally bought me my whole Makkah wardrobe. She got me every single tudung, kimar, gloves, socks everything I needed, she got it for me. She said Allah answered her prayers and she was so happy that I will be going there. The only thing I bought for myself was a telekung, 1 jubah and a few tudungs. The rest was gifts from friends and mostly from my mum. How blessed was I?

Despite all the books that I have read about Makkah and Umrah, I still felt like I wasn't ready. I still felt like I am not worthy of going. I still feel clueless. I bought this book for my kids "We are off to make Umrah" from Imaan Kids and surprisingly, that book helped me understand the process the most. It helped the kids understand as it comes with a poster and paper dolls to enact the process of performing Umrah in the simplest way.

We also had our Mutawif to come over to the house and give us a short session too which was really useful. Alhamdulillah, we are all set to go.

One thing I learned was, one shouldn't be scared to go to Makkah. I know I was. We are all sinners and can't run away from that. That should stop you from performing Umrah. Many stories will tell you about the 'punishment' one might get when you are there but you shouldn't be scared. Allah is the most forgiving. As long as you want to be better, as long as you are ikhlas in your intentions, InsyaAllah, it will all be OK. I think this was one reason why I wasn't too keen about going to Makkah at first. I was worried about how I would be when I'm there. People keep stressing about these challenges that you might face there but they don't tell you enough about the beautiful things that you will experience. I think when you are visiting a holy place, you should focus on the beautiful things and just stay positive.

InsyaAllah, it will be a life changing experience. 

I'm back

We are on Day 27 of the Restriction Movement Order (RMO) and I've decided to start blogging again. I need an outlet to express my thoughts. No better place than my own blog. I don't think anyone will be reading as I've left this blog for far too long. Life takes you on a journey sometimes without a pause button. I've been busy and didn't think blogging is relevant anymore. I still don't, but I need an outlet and so here I am...

I've been wanting to blog about my journey to Makkah as it was such a humbling, most amazing experience I've ever had but I haven't had the time. I really should do it soon because I don't want to forget anything about it.

So far, RMO has been good. Apart from driving each other absolutely nuts, cooking 24 hours a day, being on Netflix all day long, we are surviving well. Being at home, with people I love is not too bad but it saddens me that I can't be with my family (mainly my mum and brothers) during this difficult time as we grieve for my Tokmi. I wish I have that luxury to just go over to my mum's place and be with her but unfortunately, we are not able to at this point in time. But we make the best out of what we have. Thank God for WhatsApp video calls.

Do share with me if you are reading this blog. It would be good to reconnect and share experiences during this difficult time.

Take care and stay safe!

Lessons from lockdown

I wonder if this pandemic that we are currently facing will change us. To me, I describe this as the 'modern day war'. I remember my arwah Tokmi telling us stories about World War 2 and I wonder if this is the same for us. She described it as a scary phase where they would often feel scared to even step out of their homes. Kind of like what we are facing right now, isn't it?

I wonder what would this lesson be for us. Will we learn anything from this? Will this change us in any way or are we going to go back to how things were? Is life going to go back to normal or will this experience change us?

This is my take from this experience:

1. Never take things for granted

2. Always count your blessings

3. There is always someone less fortunate that you can help

4. Take care of your health. Health is indeed wealth

5. Life is so precious & short. Live it to the fullest

Take care and stay safe everyone.

The New Normal

Our Prime Minister made another announcement today to extend the Restriction Movement Order (RMO) until 28 April 2020. This is our new normal. Like it or not.

I have lost count of days but somehow this does feel like the new normal. If the RMO wasn't extended, I'm not sure if I would be brave enough to send my kids to school so I guess, the PM made a good call.

Today, Malaysia recorded a total of 118 confirmed new cases and 222 recovered. This is good news as the number of recovered patients continue to grow. If we keep this up, we will have a chance to fight this disease. So please, Malaysians, stay at home.

When I talk about the new normal, personally, I am going through my own "new normal". Life without my Tokmi is my new normal. It has been 5 days since she passed. It is still pretty raw. Some days I am totally find and then the next minute I will break down and cry. I cry when it starts raining (it has been raining every single day too!), I cry when it gets dark, I cry when I have bad dreams, I cry when I can't go to sleep. I know this sounds like I've been doing a lot of crying but truth is, I am OK. I am comforted by the fact that my Tokmi has returned to her Creator. She is no longer suffering and I believe that she is in a better place. In Sha Allah.

For my family, the new normal is also living without the glue of our family. It is tough especially for my mother. She said she couldn't sleep at night and couldnt even walk to my grandma's room. We all have regrets. It's just hard living with the fact that we will never see her again.

This new normal sucks!

But as sucky as it may be, we must always remember to be grateful. Alhamdulillah for all the blessings. Alhamdulillah my Tokmi's funeral (as simple as it was) went well and smoothly. Alhamdulillah we are all safe at home. Comfortable. We all have enough food. We are all healthy.
We must remember that there are so many people out there who is not so fortunate. Some lost jobs. Some have no money to buy food. Some are sick. Some have to work and risk their lives to save others. We? We just need to be home.

Sounds unfair sometimes.

So give back as much as you can. Now isn't the time to think about making money. Help others as much as you can. Donate as much as you can. Trust Allah, it will all come back to you somehow.
I believe this. I truly do.

To our frontliners and those who needs to work to make our lives at home easier, THANK YOU.
We can't possibly do what you all do. May God bless you for all that you do.

To fellow Malaysians, please stay home. Be safe and take care of one another. This is the new normal. We can beat this together

Innalillahiwainnailaihirojiun

photo credit: A Medium Corporation

6 April 2020

Today is my youngest brother’s birthday. He turned 36 today and I can promise you, it is the saddest birthday he has ever had.

My beloved grandma (Tokmi), who would have been 90 this October passed away early yesterday morning. It is the first death of a close family member for me and I can tell you, the pain is almost unbearable for us. She was our rock. She was the glue that glued us together. We don’t know how to function without her.

Arwah Tokmi was a super strong lady. If you were lucky enough to know her, you would be in love with her forever. She’s the most gentle soul but don’t be fooled by her calm demeanor. She’s strong as a rock!

Arwah Tokbah left her when my uncles and aunts were still in school. My mom is the eldest and she had to work to help support the family. Tokmi struggled to make it work but she did it. She had a successful catering business and cooking was her passion. She was a great cook, if not the greatest!

She was just the sweetest grandma anyone can ever ask for. I cannot pick and choose stories to describe our relationship but rest assured we had plenty. She’s just the best. I am always and forever her favourite granddaughter (even if I have to say so myself). I was the first grandchild and the only granddaughter for a long time so to me, I take that as I’m the special one. But truth is, all her grandchildren are special to her and we all feel like we are her favourite. She was awesome to each and every one of her 16 grandchildren. We will all miss her so much. Words just cannot describe how much pain we feel inside.

In 2007, we had the first scare. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer. She was 77 years old. I remember I got the news when I was in Langkawi. I couldn’t function, I had to fly back. I did just in time for her surgery and spent few nights in the hospital with her. Alhamdulillah they managed to remove the cancer and no further treatment was needed. She recovered very well. Allah gave us more time with her. 

Almost 10 years later, we had another scare. This time, she was diagnosed with skin cancer. Again, they managed to remove it and no further treatment was necessary. Alhamdulillah it all went well without any complications. Other than that, she’s healthier than most people her age. She didn’t have any other illnesses and therefore surgeries for both cancer went well. 

Few years ago, we noticed that she has mild symptoms of dementia. It was really tough to manage her because dementia made her personality change quite drastically. I see my grandma slipping away. It hurt so much when she couldn’t remember who I was. But yet I was still happy to see her and although she had no clue who I was, every time I came to see her, her eyes light up and wouldn’t let me go home. She would ask me who I was repeatedly but yet she won’t let go my hands. 

Her condition deteriorated quite bad quite fast. Soon, she couldn’t even talk as normal. Making a complete sentence seems difficult and sometimes, sentences don't make sense anymore. She couldn't tell when she was hungry, she couldn't say when she was sleepy, she couldn't express herself anymore. It was heartbreaking to see someone you love getting to that stage. I always pray for Allah to ease her journey. Though she is not in any pain, seeing her being pretty much lifeless breaks our heart. She couldn’t say what she wanted. We couldn’t understand her.

Few months back, her health has deteriorated even more. She had some internal bleeding and had multiple small strokes. It isn’t looking good at all but she kept fighting to live. After a few trips to the hospital she was back home and she got better. One time I thought we had lost her but she came back stronger. I guess her time was not up yet. She was not giving up despite how tough things were. 

Few days before I went to Mekah, I went to visit her to say goodbye. She couldn’t speak and sentences don’t make sense but when I said "Assalamualaikum", she would answer "Walaikumsalam". It was very clear unlike the other words she utters. I would say it many times and she would reply back every single time. It was the only way I know how to get a response from her and although we couldn’t say much to each other, having her reply to my salam felt more than enough. She was no longer feeding using the tube like she had to few months prior to that so in a way, I was glad to see her getting to eat like normal.

In Mekah, she was constantly in my prayers. I asked Allah to protect her and if her duties in this world is over, please take her the best possible way and the easiest way. Make her comfortable and for Allah to give strength to all the people taking care of her at home. It isn’t easy to care for a 90 year old.

On the 5th April 2020, few months short of her 90th birthday, my beloved Tokmi passed away peacefully in Putrajaya Hospital. I am happy I got to see her and kissed her for the last time. I am happy I got to tell her I loved her dearly that day before she passed. Although she was already in a coma, I know she could hear me. It broke my heart, crushed my world but I trust Allah is the best planner. Al-Fatihah. 

May Allah forgive all her sins, magnify her rewards and make her resting place better than her place in this world. We love you Tokmi. Thank you for being the best grandma I could ever ask for. I hope that I made you proud. I hope I made you happy but most importantly I hope you always feel loved by me. I do Tokmi. I love you so much. May we see each other again soon. Al- fatihah

I will miss you forever Tokmi.... 

Sariffa Anon
30 Oct 1930 - 5 April 2020

Malaysia #StayAtHome

Few months ago (December 2019), there was a high number of unknown pneumonia detected in Wuhan, China. The numbers were so high that it got the world, in particular in China concerned. At that time, the world weren't too concerned just yet, especially here in Malaysia. Life went on as usual and everyone was traveling all over the world as if nothing happened. Fast forward 3 months later, Malaysia recorded 1030 confirmed cases of this new disease called the Covid-19 and 3 deaths (as of 20/3/2020) and the numbers are rising. 

On the 18th March, the Malaysia government decided on a Restricted Movement Order until 31st March 2020. Suddenly, it all seems to be so surreal. Is this really happening?

To all Malaysians, please stay at home. It might not sound serious to some but this is serious. It is sad to see that some aren't taking this seriously but we are all in this together. We need to help the government especially MOH to put a stop to pandemic.

Update 1: As of today 4 April 2020, Malaysia has recorded a total of 3333 confirmed cases of Covid-19 and a whopping 53 number of deaths. The government has also extended the restriction movement order until 14 April 2020. I suspect it will be extended longer as we are expecting a peak in the middle of April. Let us join hands and do our part in fighting this war against Covid-19.

Update 2: As of today 12 April 2020, Malaysia has recorded a total of 4683 confirmed cases of Covid-19 and 76 number of deaths. The government has again extended the restriction movement from 15 April 2020 until 28 April 2020.

Update 3: As of today 25 April 2020, Malaysia has again extended the RMO until 12 May 2020. 5691 confirmed cases with 3363 of them has recovered. The number of deaths is now 96.

May Allah bless us all.

Goodbye 2019

I cannot believe we have less than a week before we bid goodbye to 2019 and welcome 2020. How in the world did we get to 2020 so fast I wonder. Time just flew by so quickly I feel like we've skipped a few years along the way.

I remember back then when 2020 seems so far away. Back then I didn't think I'd ever see 2020 and here we are, at the end of 2019.

2019 has been a very important year for me. Many personal milestones that I have achieved and super proud of. The biggest would be my 10th wedding anniversary and I also celebrated my 40th this year. I really feel all grown up now. (Not really, actually. But I do feel old! Them wrinkles don't lie!)

Alhamdullilah for a wonderful year.

We just returned from a wonderful family vacation to Dubai. It was a last minute decision to go and honestly speaking, we weren't expecting to love it as much as we did. It was amazing. Too amazing that we can't wait to return to Dubai. Too amazing that my other half said he wouldn't mind moving to Dubai.

It has been amazing. Everything I wanted this year, I achieved it. Next year will InsyaAllah be another amazing year.

But like everything in life, nothing is perfect. My 89 year old grandma is not doing so well. She suffered some internal bleeding recently and had multiple small strokes. My heart breaks each time I think about her. I cry when I talk about her and as I type this blogpost, my eyes is filled with tears. I don't know what life would be without her because she has always been a huge influence in my life but seeing her suffer like this, I just pray for Allah to ease her pain and make her as comfortable as possible. There's nothing else I want but for her to be OK. Please keep her in your prayers.

Who knows what 2020 has in store for us. I am grateful Alhamdulillah for this life I have. It isn't perfect. It is far from perfection but I am so proud of myself and my little family for whatever we have achieved thus far. I pray nothing but the best for all of you out there.

I usually do a New Year's resolution but I am starting to feel too old for that. I'm just excited for what is coming. I don't want to look back anymore. I have everything and everyone I need to make 2020 great. I hope you do too.

Happy New Year everyone. Let's make it awesome!