How are you?

I have lost count. I don't even know what day it is today or how far we've gone since the first lockdown.

How are you doing?

For me, I have good days and I have bad days. Good days are when my kids can fully manage their online classes independently. I can have a good lie in and when I get food delivered instead of cooking them myself. Some days are long. That's when the kids are bored out of their minds and I have nothing to offer them. I have days when I don't allow them to be on their devices and find something productive to do. That is a tough one because sometimes, they just don't want to do anything too.

I fear for my children's wellbeing the most. I fear that being at home without having face to face interactions with friends and the outside world might have some kind of negative effect on them. I don't know if things are going to get better but I am hopeful. There must be light at the end of this tunnel, somehow. If we keep walking, surely we will reach somewhere, right?

As much as I want to stay positive and keep myself motivated, I am only human. I have bad days too and some days, I just feel restless. What always helps is when I think of the less fortunate. People with 10 kids in the kampung with nothing to eat. No electronics to keep their kids busy and entertained. No formal education too as they obviously don't have online learning. I feel for them. Automatically I feel guilty for complaining.

I love staying home. That's not difficult for me to do. It is the lack of interactions with other people that is hard. Texting or calling doesn't do it for me. I miss hanging out with my family and friends.
I miss seeing my kids play with their friends. They miss their friends too.

Come August, we will be exploring a new school. Something we've been really excited about. But with this Covid-19 pandemic still happening, we might not be able to even go to school until it is really safe for them.

A lot is happening around us all around the world. I don't know if this is a sign but never in a million years I would have predicted that life in 2020 will be like this. What we can do is keep walking. Keep praying for this to be over. Take care of our own little family and hope for the best.

Tell me how you are and what you are doing during this pandemic. Would love to hear from you.

Take care peeps!

Selamat Hari Raya

A day before raya, I went to ziarah my grandma's kubur. It is heartbreaking not having her around. I am 40 years old and I have never celebrated Raya without my Tokmi. This is very painful for me. I went to visit her grave and doa that she is ok. I still have tears in my eyes thinking about her. I miss her so much.

This year's raya is a lot different from previous years. Initially I didnt want to get any baju raya because I am not exactly in the mood to raya but I need to make it somewhat special for my kids. It is raya afterall. I ordered their baju raya online just to support other local business. But unfortunately, when it arrived, the size dont fit. I was bummed! No time to get a refund too. I ordered my baju raya from Zalora but when it arrived, somehow it doesnt suit me. I managed to get a refund but it was too late to order a different one. Ah well, I guess it wasnt meant to be.

We all wore whatever we had. It took me a long time to decide on my scarf. I am just not used to it and I dont know what suits me yet. Finally, I went with the simplest and easiest - a black square! Cant go wrong with that.

In the morning, we went to my mother in law's house. We had our own quiet time with my mother in law and spent quite a few hours there. By 2pm, we were back at home to rest. Next, was to my mom's house in the evening. We took turns to visit to make sure that we comply to the regulations set by the government. Raya is usually a very busy time with lots of relatives visiting both my mother in law's house and my mom's. Both houses would have more than 20 pax under normal raya conditions but this year is different, we all took turns to come. It worked out fine.

Although we are missing our rayas with relatives, we must remember that this fight against Covid-19 is not even near the finishing line. We have to do our part to stop it from spreading as even someone without any obvious symptoms can carry the virus.

Raya was a very bittersweet one for me. Although we had an amazing time and quality time with our loved ones, we are missing the most important person in my life. My Tokmi. May Allah bless her soul.

Selamat Hari Raya to all and Maaf Zahir Batin.

Ramadhan 2020

This Ramadhan is unlike any other. This is the first time we are actually celebrating it in lockdown. I know a lot of people are sick and tired of being locked inside the house but this Ramadhan is one I will always remember.

I am so proud of my achievements this Ramadhan. Alhamdulillah to have this opportunity to do all the things I never thought I'd ever get to do. A lot of things I took for granted and a lot of ibadah that I chose to ignore. A lot of missed pahala. Alhamdulillah for the lockdown, I managed to do so much this Ramadhan.

I started reading the Quran. I am very slow at it. I wanted to qatam by the end of Ramadhan but I did not manage to do that. But that's ok, what's more important is I started and will continue until I qatam (hopefully soon!). I try to read and then understand the translations, something I've not done before. It just purifies my soul. It is amazing.

Being in lockdown with very little to do at home, I also managed to perform all my prayers including the sunats. I am able to perform terawikh every night, together with tahajudd prayers. Who would have thought?

Gave out zakat too which made me feel so good. My baby company KupuKupu gave out new baju rayas to the asnafs. That made so many of them smile.

So overall, alhamdulillah, it was an amazing Ramadhan for me.

I pray that Allah will accept all my ibadah this Ramadhan and hopefully I can do better next time. InsyaAllah.

Mother's Day

We celebrated Mother's Day a couple of weeks back. It was a rather simple Mother's Day I would say.  No special celebration whatsoever. But lovely nonetheless.

I ordered some flowers to be delivered to my mum. I paid for it online and the day before Mother's Day, I got a whatsapp from the florist to inform me that they have ran out of flowers! WHAT!!!!!! I was so angry and disappointed. I tried to order from some other vendors but unfortunately, because it was too last minute, most of them have out of flowers or it was too expensive. My mother did not get flowers this mother's day. I was really sad for her. The reason why I chose that florist was because due to the RMO, most florist didn't do delivery out of their area. I randomly picked this one and it was a wrong move! The stupid florist said they would refund back the money but until today, I have received none.It has been almost 2 weeks. In case you are wondering which florist this is, it is Only Love Florist. What was more disappointing is, they did not even apologise for it! Thinking about it makes me boil.

From my lovely daughter

My kids made some drawings and cards for me for Mother's Day. They were pretty sweet. I got a love letter too from my daughter which was really sweet too.

My son drew something for me too. He followed some Youtube tutorial to draw this. He also made some paintings during their Art Zoom class for Mother's Day.
It was lovely.

From my son

Mother's Day is on Sunday. Sundays are always super busy for my kids because they get to be on their devices ALL DAY without any interruptions from anyone. I was sort of neglected on Mother's Day. They pretty much wished me, kissed me, handed me the drawings and that was it.

At the end of Sunday, my daughter felt really bad that we didn't do much for Mother's Day and wanted to do it again on Wednesday. My husband was out on Sunday too as he had some work to do and couldn't get flowers for me from my kids. They told papa to get flowers for me on Wednesday instead.

On Wednesday, we did some activities together to celebrate Mother's Day. I ordered some cookies and we decorated them.

It was a pretty cool activity that we all enjoyed very much. It was really fun for the kids and somehow quite therapeutic for me. It turned out really pretty too. Don't you think?

Apparently they tastes really good too. In case you are wondering, I ordered them from MyKekiss. You can find them on Instagram.

So to all fabulous moms out there, I would like to wish you a very Happy Mother's Day. Every day is Mother's Day isn't it? I know being a mom is the best thing in my life. I know I sometimes complain about it, it does get tiring sometimes but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. My children are my blessings and I am so grateful for them everyday.

About lockdown

At first it was full of uncertainties. We didn’t know how it was going to be. None of us has any experience being locked in the house for this long. People went crazy buying food stock, more than what is needed. Myself included.

After being in lockdown for over almost 2 months now, we are starting to get the hang of it. I’m starting to realize it isn’t so bad. We could be in worse situation. Our unhappiness all comes from being bored, kids are on their devices way too much, online school isn’t really working (it could be better), we are missing the outside world especially our dear friends and family, and that is pretty much it. But not everyone is like us. There are many that are less fortunate than us.

The frontliners who is working nonstop for the country to fight covid-19

The people with no food to feed their kids due to loss of jobs during the RMO. Not being able to pay rent.

The people who are in hospital to fight this covid 19 and had to be separated from their families. Their families not able to be near or to be there for them. Not knowing if they will make it or not.

So ya, I count my lucky stars and wonder why I am so lucky. My issues aren’t even worth mentioning if I compare them to the rest of the people mentioned above.

There’s something amazing about the lockdown for us...

We started praying berjemaah together with my husband as the imam. Our kids seem to enjoy this as well. Don’t ask why we have not done this before but this lockdown made us do it for the first time and it is wonderful. Certainly brought us closer together in our spiritual journey.

I also started reading the Quran again. I’ve left it for way too long. I’m surprised at how I can pick it up again having not read it in more than 20 years. Slowly learning it again and Alhamdulillah slowly but surely, I will get to qatam it. I've also started learning the translations and trying to understand Quran better. 

My interest in cooking is slowly coming back. I used to hate cooking (and I still do) but being at home makes me want to try different dishes and so far, it has been pretty great. We made pizza, baked cookies - something we’ve never done before together. It is pretty cool.

We are definitely spending more quality time together. Our morning sahurs with the kids. Playing board games / cards / electronics together. Our sembahyang berjemaah sessions. Cooking together. Watch scary movies together. All those things are the things we treasure and when we look back, I'm sure we will cherish these moments together. 

Life was pretty hectic prior to lockdown days. Now that we are on RMO, we have more time to spare and more time to waste. This luxury is something we didn’t have before.

Alhamdulillah for all the blessings. While we are enjoying our time at home, do not forget about the people around you who are less fortunate.

I’ve done my part to help a few families who are in need. It is heartbreaking to see some with no money for food, no money to even get to work (no money for petrol), children with no slippers to even play outside their house and single moms struggling to pay rent. Look for these types of families to help. I found a few and InsyaAllah, will try my best to help them. Please try to look for them and please help. 

If you know where to find these families, please write in the comment. With social media and Internet, it is easier for us to find them to offer help. I found them on Syed Azmi’s page. Let’s do our part. Trust me, RM100 may just be 1 meal for us, but to them RM100 can go a long way. It can feed their family for a week, sometimes. My heart feels for them.

Coping with Grief

It has been a month since arwah Tokmi left us. I can't believe how fast time flies. (Alfatihah Tokmi). How am I feeling?

Tokmi loves holding hands

Honestly, this is the first time I am experiencing grief of a close family member. When my father in law passed away, I was really very sad too. I cried secretly for days. Although I am not close to him, I still felt that void.

I always knew that it is a matter of time before I have to deal with grief of my own family member. They say grieving is a highly individual experience. People deal with it differently. For me, I get by most of my days ok but there are times when I just break down and cry. Sometimes random things just reminds me of her. Sometimes even unrelated to anything. Like a flower or the rainbow or the rain.

I miss her so much. I got to see her before I left for Makkah and I was kissing her so much that she got annoyed. I told her I loved her many many times too. I didn't know it was the last time that we would meet. If I had known, I would do it a 1000 times more.

The day before she passed, she was in a coma. Her breathing was already so bad at the time and needed support. My heart broke into pieces looking at her suffer that way. I cried buckets and will forever remember that image in my head. I hugged her and told her I loved her. I kissed her and held her hand. At that time, I didn't know she was already slowly slipping away. She was a fighter all her life and I thought she would pull through like she always did. But Allah loves her more.

I don't remember when the last time we had a proper conversation. She had Dementia and in the last few years, she doesn't remember anything anymore and it was difficult to understand what she was saying. I miss talking to her. I miss her calling me "Sayang"

It is very painful but life must go on. Some days are harder and longer but some days we laugh and smile looking back at the memories.

She was deeply loved by everyone around her. So so so deep.

Tokmi, I just pray that Allah will forgive all your sins and accept all your good deeds. I pray that someday we will be reunited again. I hope you are happy wherever you are. We miss you so much Tokmi. You are always and forever will be in my prayers. Thank you for being the best Grandma anyone could ever ask for. You are the cutest, the funniest and just so full of joy to be around.

"Wherever you go, you are always in my heart. Wherever you do, my heart goes with you" -Tokmi

Are we ready?

On the 1 May 2020, the PM announced that we will be reopening all economic sectors in the country.
From 4th May, almost all businesses will be allowed to resume their operations subject to the 'strict' SOP set by the government.

My question is are we ready? Are YOU ready? If you ask me, I know I am not.

While we have successfully managed to somewhat flatten the curve, the war against this Covid-19 isn't over yet.

I understand that many are struggling. Many jobs are lost due to this. People have no money. No money for food. I feel really bad and sad for them. I wish there is more I can do to help.

The government has no choice but to start the economy running again. We need to #supportlocal and as much as we can, please just #stayathome

Some of us will have to go back to work. Shops are reopening. Restaurants are reopening. As much as I want things to go back to normal and get the economy back up again, please remember that we still have to fight Covid-19.

Do your part to support the locals. We can do this!

1. Support your favourite restaurant but if you can, tapau and eat at home.

2. Practice social distancing at all cost. Go to your favourite local fashion store, but if there are too many people in the store, come back another time. Check if they have online stores and do store pick up!

3. Keep your masks on and wash your hands regularly.

4. Work from home if you can

5. Do not ask for discounts especially if you are buying kuih from a Makcik Kiah. Times are hard.

6. Give extra tips when you use a rider to pick up your items. It will make a lot of difference.

7. Look for someone or a family you can support around you community. There's always someone you can help! Or if you need help, please seek help. Don't suffer alone.

8. Check facts before forwarding a message on whatsapp. There's no need to add panic to our community.

9. Use common sense. I know sometimes common sense is not so common, but please think before making any decisions whether to go out, to visit friends, to hang out or to take the kids out. Think first if it is worth it!

10. Pray!! Pray for not just for your health but also for the health of others. It is fasting month and a good month for our prayers to be answered!

Stay Positive Malaysians.

We can do this!!!