Coping with Grief

It has been a month since arwah Tokmi left us. I can't believe how fast time flies. (Alfatihah Tokmi). How am I feeling?

Tokmi loves holding hands

Honestly, this is the first time I am experiencing grief of a close family member. When my father in law passed away, I was really very sad too. I cried secretly for days. Although I am not close to him, I still felt that void.

I always knew that it is a matter of time before I have to deal with grief of my own family member. They say grieving is a highly individual experience. People deal with it differently. For me, I get by most of my days ok but there are times when I just break down and cry. Sometimes random things just reminds me of her. Sometimes even unrelated to anything. Like a flower or the rainbow or the rain.

I miss her so much. I got to see her before I left for Makkah and I was kissing her so much that she got annoyed. I told her I loved her many many times too. I didn't know it was the last time that we would meet. If I had known, I would do it a 1000 times more.

The day before she passed, she was in a coma. Her breathing was already so bad at the time and needed support. My heart broke into pieces looking at her suffer that way. I cried buckets and will forever remember that image in my head. I hugged her and told her I loved her. I kissed her and held her hand. At that time, I didn't know she was already slowly slipping away. She was a fighter all her life and I thought she would pull through like she always did. But Allah loves her more.

I don't remember when the last time we had a proper conversation. She had Dementia and in the last few years, she doesn't remember anything anymore and it was difficult to understand what she was saying. I miss talking to her. I miss her calling me "Sayang"

It is very painful but life must go on. Some days are harder and longer but some days we laugh and smile looking back at the memories.

She was deeply loved by everyone around her. So so so deep.

Tokmi, I just pray that Allah will forgive all your sins and accept all your good deeds. I pray that someday we will be reunited again. I hope you are happy wherever you are. We miss you so much Tokmi. You are always and forever will be in my prayers. Thank you for being the best Grandma anyone could ever ask for. You are the cutest, the funniest and just so full of joy to be around.

"Wherever you go, you are always in my heart. Wherever you do, my heart goes with you" -Tokmi